How I pity married women.

They think that their men belong to them and them alone, but they wrong and misguided. The truth is, in our African society, one woman is never enough.

A man with only one woman is either poor or impotent.

He will introduce you to his parents, marry you in church and promise to love and to hold you until death do you part, but still keep a Pretty Young Thing (PYT) holed up in a servant’s quarter in South B because he is a man.

Ninety nine point nine per cent of all the men who hit on me and promise me heaven are married men with shiny gold wedding bands on their fingers.

They have children-some my age or older and are church going family men who sing in the church choir. Some are even church leaders.

They love their wives dearly, adore their children and value their families, but because a man is still a man, he will ask his clandestine lover and not you to accompany him to the Lewa Marathon happening this weekend.

It is nothing personal, just how men roll.

There is nothing like a faithful man. The few that seem faithful are simply not living up to their full potential and capability of having more than one woman. Men are driven by the need to conquer new ground and are always looking for the next hot thing to spoil.

Fewer things give a man the thrill that comes with bedding young lass he has been lusting after for months.

LIVING IN DENIAL

You could be the perfect wife, the ideal Proverbs 31 woman who serves her husband and family dutifully without complaining. You could look your prettiest always, have the body of a socialite and be the tigress in bed, but sorry, your man will still take his clande to the Masaku Sevens today.

So don’t ask questions when he tells you there is a managers’ retreat in Nanyuki or Mombasa or he and his boys are going for a boy’s night-out. I mean, since when did men hang out over a whole weekend-alone, without babes to entertain them?

What I am talking about is nothing new, our mothers and grandmothers will support me on this. Throughout the generations, a man having a ‘gachungwa’ was nothing new; in fact, it was a welcome distraction to have a second house to call home when the man needed a break from his wife and family.

Women in those days did not complain for two reasons; they knew no amount of prayer and fasting would change him and secondly, because as long as a man provided for his wife and family, then why waste your breath complaining?

Nothing has changed. In fact, things are better now. Technology has allowed men to cheat and have a clande without getting caught. In this era of WhatsApp and various applications that cause SMS to self-destruct once they are sent or read, cheating is child’s play these days.

You may have that software that tracks the texts and calls that come to your husband’s phone, but your husbands are sharp. That Kabambe phone he has is not for business, but for communicating with his clande. Trust me, I know a man who does this.

Married women may be in denial of this; you could be empowered all you want, bring home the bacon and scream how you would divorce your husband the moment you discovered he has a PYT somewhere. But there is a clande somewhere sharing your husband’s salary and you know it, you hate it, but utadoo?

Yours could be the strongest marriage where he doesn’t forget anniversaries and birthdays, where he often surprises you with expensive gifts his clande helped him pick out for you, but the truth is, there is no such thing as a ‘clande-proof’ marriage.

Whether you find out about it from a text message on his phone or from his M-PESA records or from his friends- the reality is, there is a third-party- clande hidden in that marriage of yours, your husband’s object of fantasy.

My advice? Suck it up!

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SIDE SHOWS
A real man versus a boy
A real man will never drive your small car. Even if you are driving a high-end Mercedes and your man is driving you around in it, still, real men don’t drive their women’s cars. Period.

How does a man deserve your respect if he drops you off at work and picks you up at 5pm in your Pink Vitz? That is not a boyfriend! That is a chauffeur with benefits!

Real men are busy. They are busy sealing deals and making money. If you are dating the kind of man who is too available to pick you up, drop you off at the salon and wait as you fix your acrylic nails, then you need to leave that boy and date a real man.

A real man doesn’t have time to wait for half an hour at the basement parking as you finish your meetings. If he is too idle, he is a loser.

Real men are busy, busy men are rich and rich men respect themselves.

A real man does not sleep over at his girlfriend’s house, unless of course, he is married. Ladies, if you haven’t the slightest idea where that man lives, there are only a few plausible arguments I can think of. Either he is still living with his parents or shacking up on a friend’s couch. He could also be married and not telling you the truth or he could be living with his baby-mama that you have been made to believe lives in Kasarani.

Finally, he could be living in that Kasarani and lying to you that he has an apartment along Riverside Drive. Are you dating a man or a boy?

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