MEN&WOMEN: Are you married to your phone?
Create technology free zones. Agree on places, like the bedroom. And times like during meals. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH
What you need to know:
- Most spouses find the sight of their partner answering messages and emails, watching TV shows or playing games all evening or weekend especially infuriating, because it feels as if they’re avoiding being in the relationship, instead of doing something together.
- Time at home should be “we” time. And that means mentally, not just physically.
We’ve all done it. Messaged our spouse when they’re in the next room. It’s convenient - even fun. But there’ll also be times when you want to toss your partner’s gadgets into the trash. Because nothing kills a romantic moment faster than someone pulling out a phone.
Couples pick up their phones dozens of times a day, can’t bear being away from emails, constantly check Facebook friends, and chat on suspicious WhatsApp groups. Screens can even be an addiction. Think how you “must” read every notification. Or how nervous you feel leaving home with only a forty percent charge.
You sleep with your phone by your bed, carry it from room to room, and think nothing of using it while your partner’s talking, reading or snuggling beside you.
How often have you sat at the same table - but miles apart mentally? Looking down at a screen instead of talking to each other, after a long day at work. That feels like rejection: “You’re less important than my phone.” Even those few seconds on your smartphone checking emails quickly adds up in the eyes of your spouse. Whenever a conversation, meal or romantic moment’s disrupted by a notification, that’s really saying “My phone means more to me than you.” Causing endless irritation, resentment, conflict - and gradually rising relationship dissatisfaction.
INFURIATING SIGHT
Most spouses find the sight of their partner answering messages and emails, watching TV shows or playing games all evening or weekend especially infuriating, because it feels as if they’re avoiding being in the relationship, instead of doing something together. Time at home should be “we” time. And that means mentally, not just physically.
That’s especially true at bedtime. Often one spouse wants to stay up late reading the news or checking messages, while their partner feels that bedtime’s an important moment to spend together.
And they’re right. Because if couples don’t actually prepare for bed together, then they’re unlikely to be anywhere close to being in a loving mood. All the verbal foreplay, eye-to-eye contact, teasing, laughter and smiling are lost when someone’s buried in a screen.
So when modern couples say they’re growing apart, this is one of the commonest way it happens. Tuned into their devices rather than each other. So if you think phones might be causing problems in your relationship, sit down with your partner and discuss the issue. Decide whether your screen time’s essential or mutual, or whether it’s become disruptive.
Agree what’s OK, such as when you’re on call. And agree off limit behaviour, like friending exes, posting that you or your spouse is out of town, private chat sessions with people of the opposite sex among other conversations.
Create technology free zones. Agree on places, like the bedroom. And times, like during meals or after 9:30 PM. Set your phones or tablets aside then, and spend the time together, being emotionally close. And before you know it, you’ll be having a lot more fun!
