Life as an adult victim of a childhood crime

Two women discuss the effect their bullies have had on their adulthood. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Academically, Maureen was not the strongest pupil either. “What number you were after the end of term exam was everything, so when you were consistently in the bottom five, you were labelled dumb.”
  • The bullying escalated as she got older. The other children started to treat her as an outcast.

At the age of eight, 36-year-old Maureen* moved schools, from a ‘regular’ public school to a more ‘prestigious’ one. “In those days, there were (very good) public schools. Even the ‘who-is-who’ in society took their children to these schools.”

This new school was miles apart from what she had been used to. “The facilities were well maintained. We had a big, grassy playing field – not a brown soil patch in sight – and a large swimming pool. The administration went to great lengths to ensure the colonial architecture and feel of the place was maintained.”

While Maureen’s parents worked hard to give her a solid education, they were not the most well off. This started to become apparent to Maureen in Class Five. “My family was humble, while the majority of the other kids came from well-off backgrounds. A break time snack for me was bread with margarine. The other kids would have hot dogs, sausages and the like which, back then, was a big deal. The reaction to my food was an eye-roll, and ‘Really? Bread and margarine?’

ZERO SELF-ESTEEM

Academically, Maureen was not the strongest pupil either. “What number you were after the end of term exam was everything, so when you were consistently in the bottom five, you were labelled dumb.”

The bullying escalated as she got older. The other children started to treat her as an outcast. I was ridiculed for being amongst the few in school who would commute to school by public bus rather than being dropped. I was ridiculed for the way I looked, the way I walked. I mean, anything was fair game and, especially in Class Seven and Eight. It was just bad.”  Maureen had no cover. “I couldn’t tell my folks that other kids were repulsed by me because their philosophy was that I was in school to study, not to make friends.”

But the rejection shot right through Maureen. “My self-esteem went to below zero. I felt unworthy, especially for being called dumb, like I could never amount to anything.  I didn’t even try to put effort into my studies or in anything else for that matter.”

Through high school and university, she continued to keep her head down and keep to herself. “My aim was to just get the work done and move on to the next stage of life. That is what I prefer to do (even now).”

This decision has not come without its fair share of challenges. “I hate to admit it but I am very sensitive. I find myself easily bothered by comments and put-downs. I am also not the best at making intimate connections, and I can’t even say I have a best friend or group of solid friends the way I see with other women. I avoid putting myself out there for fear of rejection. I remember being a very outgoing child and I would love to get some of that back. I cannot stand any child being bullied and all the (bullying) reports of late just break my heart.”

In 31-year-old Janet’s case, bullying made her become more determined to learn how to fight her own battles. “People who know me refer to me as ‘moto ya kuotea mbali’ (the one to stay away from) and (that’s okay). Survival is for the fittest.”

Janet’s tormentors singled her and other Nairobi-raised girls out in high school. “I had no choice about where I was raised and found it very unfair for even the teachers to single out those from Nairobi, insinuating that we were too pampered or slow-brained to cope. They (bullies) never resorted to physical violence but they would forcefully take our shopping money, uniform, letters from our boyfriends and read them out loud.”

Janet’s father had always told her to speak up if something was wrong. “His way of speaking up was to shout, so I just copied his strategy. The last time one of those girls took my stuff I shouted so loud that school until the matron, who lived within the compound, came out of her house running thinking it was a fire. We were both punished.”

Janet also took the opportunity to lay down a boundary. “I told the bully and her gang that I was ready to be expelled – and I take all of them with me – unless order was restored.”

But she admits that not everyone can handle it like she did. “It is not an ideal method for the faint-hearted, but it works. I only shout when there’s a genuine injustice, such as when someone is being abusive or outright mean-spirited. Speaking out is important.”

GIRLS BULLY DIFFERENTLY

Bullying cannot be defined without cultural context, says Simba-Safe founder Maryana Munyendo. Simba-Safe is an initiative that helps children and young adults learn how to proctect their personal spaces. In some contexts, what may pass as ‘normal child jostling’ could be called bullying. However, Maryana says, “Children know bullying because if laughter is missing in a game, it is no longer fun. If there (discomfort) for the child, then it becomes an instance of bullying in their eyes.”

Bullying is “the oldest form of peer aggression,” Maryana says. There is no one profile that fits a bully, but there are underlying issues that generally cause the behaviour. “The home environment is one. If there is something wrong at home, it will automatically manifest. Where families are undergoing turmoil, children act out.” She adds peer influence, loss and change as other factors.

In addition, girls and boys bully differently. “Boys are aggressive but it normally ends there and then. Girls, on the other hand, use a lot of psychosocial means such as mental torture from exclusion and gossiping.”

Today, bullying has been taken to a whole new level with the opening up of social media. “There is now an increase in kids’ access to many social platforms, which is becoming a bigger problem than traditional bullying. With traditional bullying the victim can avoid the perpetrator and there is a limited audience. With cyber bullying, however, the space is open, making it harder to run away from it. There is also the issue of something going viral which increases the number of people the information is reaching. Pseudo accounts make it harder to identify the bully.”

In an adult, the negative effects of bullying are evident in different ways. “Unhealthy coping mechanisms are developed which go with the individual into adulthood and which can even include substance abuse. Social skills are also jeopardised as some people do not recover from such an experience. They can become introverts or extroverted aggressors, out to prove themselves better than others. In addition, in cases where bullying has been persistent, forming relationships in future can become a challenge,” says Maryana.

She emphasises on the importance of teaching assertiveness to children right from a young age; the ideal bracket being us between the ages of three and eight, where they are still openly inquisitive and uninhibited.

“In the African culture, children do not have voices and that is why other abuse also manifests. Assertiveness is seen as being rude, or suffering a lack of humility and so kids are (easy to bully).” But she adds that you can’t just tell a child to ‘be confident’ and expect them I adapt immediately. You have to nurture their assertiveness. “Involve them in decision making. Let them participate in extracurricular activities. Let them make mistakes, let them learn to perform before others, and so on. These are great ways to develop assertiveness. Teach them how to say no, and tell them that ‘no’ is a complete answer that does not require further explanation.”

 

*Names have been changed.

 

 

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How to free yourself of the effects of childhood bullying

Do you still suffer trauma from being bullied in your childhood or early youth? Ignoring the bullying or trying to act like it did not happen will not bring you healing. Acknowledging it, and knowing that you were not responsible for it, is the beginning of the healing journey.

Acknowledge the events so that you can reclaim control from feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. This empowers you to control your thoughts and emotions, and make the right choices.

Low self-esteem is a one of the debilitating effects of bullying that lead to one making poor choices. Take up activities that will help you recognise your value and self-worth. These activities include personal growth programmes which teach you attributes such as self-affirmation and forgiveness.

Speak and think positive words. This will teach you to turn negative thoughts from the past into positive thoughts about your present and future.

You can’t always get closure from your bullies in person, but you can write down your feelings. This will give your thoughts and emotions therapeutic release and closure.

Seek professional help such as therapy and counselling.

Be patient with and kind to yourself.