HART: Three main stages of nurturing love

If your love deepens, you enter the second stage. Where you gradually become a couple. Your task at this stage is to learn good communication habits, and to use your small disagreements to develop conflict management skills. Most couples move in or marry at this stage, and start a family. And then disillusionment sets in. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH

What you need to know:

  • The first stage is attraction. You think your new lover can do no wrong, project all your hopes and dreams onto them – and become high on love hormones.
  • The second stage is where you gradually become a couple. Dates become fewer, as instead you just hang out together. You learn lots more about each other, and become committed to the relationship.
  • But the third stage is actually when you really begin to learn to love and appreciate each other. Because now your task is to get past all the illusions you have about yourself and your partner. To learn to appreciate the person you’re really with, not the “ideal spouse” that you imagine they should be.

You once thought you were the perfect couple. So did everyone else. So you were totally confused when it ended, after all those years together. Why do seemingly stable relationships suddenly collapse? It’s because relationships go through stages. And the key tasks in each are different.

The first stage is attraction. You think your new lover can do no wrong, project all your hopes and dreams onto them – and become high on love hormones.

Your task at this stage is to stay rational, despite the hormones, as you decide whether you and your new friend are right for each other. Checking that your differing personalities, values and goals add up to a real match. And you’re able to develop a real emotional intimacy.

If your love deepens, you enter the second stage. Where you gradually become a couple. Dates become fewer, as instead you just hang out together. You learn lots more about each other, and become committed to the relationship. Your individual lives expand into a shared life together. You feel safe, cherished, appreciated and desired. You can’t imagine loving anyone more, and expect it to go on forever.

Your task at this stage is to learn good communication habits, and to use your small disagreements to develop conflict management skills. So you can deal with the inevitable difficulties that lie ahead.

Most couples move in or marry at this stage, and start a family. And then disillusionment sets in. 

CONFRONTING ILLUSIONS

Because for many stable couples, this third stage is when things begin to really go wrong. Maybe slowly, maybe all at once. 

Maybe you feel less loved, and perhaps even trapped. You become irritable and angry, or maybe hurt and withdrawn. Little things bother you more and more. You wonder where the person you once loved has gone. One of you starts wanting out, or you just exist together, but without any real intimacy.

Many couples get stuck at this stage, unable to move on, until some small issue blows up into a crisis. And so you part.

But the third stage is actually when you really begin to learn to love and appreciate each other. Because now your task is to get past all the illusions you have about yourself and your partner. To learn to appreciate the person you’re really with, not the “ideal spouse” that you imagine they should be.

Confronting those illusions gets you to the core of what’s causing all the unhappiness. For example, childhood issues, or baggage from previous relationships.

It can be hard work, but there’s nothing more satisfying than being with a partner who loves you for who you really are.

Now you’re not just going through life for the sake of it, but able to apply your partnership to a bigger cause. Building your family of course. But maybe also something for the good of the community. And now at last, you really can be sure you’ve found the love of your life.