HEART ADVICE: My man’s mum hates me

I am a single mother of two and I’m dating and living with a single man from a different tribe. We love each other but his mother hates me. PHOTO| FILE

What you need to know:

  • This may not sound very comforting, but you are not the first person to face resistance form an in-law.
  • Your relationship should be defined by the bond you share with your man, regardless of whether his mother likes you or not.

I am a single mother of two and I’m dating and living with a single man from a different tribe. We love each other but his mother hates me. The first time we went to visit her together, I heard her telling him that she didn’t want to be entangled with people with weird customs like my tribesmen.

Later, she asked me if I had kids. I lied to her that I didn’t and she told me that was good because she doesn’t like gold diggers and prostitutes. She also said that she didn’t want women to waste her son’s time.

I have never gone back to visit her, but she comes to visit her son once in a while and we give each other the silent treatment. She’s also cold towards my kids. My boyfriend is an only child and his mum wants him to marry one of his childhood friends.

I try to have as little contact with my man’s mum as possible, but I worry about what effect this has on my kids and my relationship. I also feel bad that we can’t all be one happy extended family. Please help.

 

READERS’ ADVICE:

It is unfortunate that people have to deal with the monster of tribalism even in love, but let me remind you that marriage is between two mature people who love each other.

Any third party who tries to come between you and your man is an intruder and should not be allowed to interfere with your relationship. Secondly, where is your man in all this? He should be at the battlefront protecting your relationship from undue interference from his mother.

He should defend you and reaffirm the attributes that attracted him to you, your tribe notwithstanding. Mothers are over-protective, especially when they feel as if they are competing for attention from their son with you.

Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to make his stand known and also to say whether he is serious about this relationship. You also need to try to be nicer to your boyfriend’s mother; the silent treatment is not helping matters. You never know, by being nice, you might endear yourself to her in the long run and cause her to change her perceptions towards your tribe. All the best! Albert Omuko

 

Your man is torn between supporting you and his mother, two women that he loves. However, his mother needs to realise that she has no say in her son’s choice of life partner. She should respect his preferred partner. Your boyfriend also needs to take charge of this issue before it festers into a wound that can never heal. Let him talk to his mother and explain that he chose you and nothing can change that. She had her time with him, so now she should allow him to enjoy being with the woman of his choice. Calvin Queens

 

Forget about your mother-in-law and focus on strengthening your relationship with your man. You also need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about your conflict with his mother. If he truly loves you, he will help you deal with this difficulty and overcome it. Juma Felix

 

It’s frustrating and even heartbreaking to get a cool reception from your future mother-in-law, but remember that the man chose you and you are marrying him and not his mother. The guy loves you, lives with you and has accepted to be the father of your children; why should you let his mother’s hostility bother you? Focus on what is working in your relationship. In any case, you only interact with your hostile mother-in-law once in a while. That said, you need to treat your boyfriend’s mother with understanding; put yourself in her shoes. She is possessive of her son because he is an only child, and all she knows about your tribe are the myths and stereotypes she has grown up with; show her the good side and she will come around. Andera Ngota

 

Instead of being at daggers drawn with your mother-in-law, why don’t you approach things differently? Be nice to her and show her respect. Surprise her by visiting her and helping her with the chores. Call her and ask how she is. Accompany her to church. Start acting as if you have a good relationship with her ... you don’t even have to talk much, let your actions rather than your words do most of the talking. If you do this, she will be the one begging you to marry her son because she will see an admirable side of you. Duncan Royal

 

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

This may not sound very comforting, but you are not the first person to face resistance form an in-law. Your relationship should be defined by the bond you share with your man, regardless of whether his mother likes you or not.

Even if his mother did like you, that would not guarantee you a perfect relationship with your man. Nevertheless, it is important for your man to be fully aware of the friction you have with his mother and he should be committed to defending you as his woman. Parents act in the interest of their children, but sometimes they are blinded by the outdated beliefs that they still hold dear, but which interfere with the happiness of their loved ones.

It is up to you and your man to stand firm together and to show the world that your relationship is not defined by tribe, but by the care and love you share, and the commitment to nurture a healthy long-term relationship.