I can’t get intimate in a tiny house!

I got married by moving into my husband’s bachelor pad and later went on to get pregnant. Before I delivered the baby, I asked my husband to get us a bigger house, but he said that we would move after my maternity leave when a house help came to join us. It has now been two years and we are still at the same house and his relatives from the village always come to stay at our house whenever they have business to do in Nairobi. This has posed a problem because everyone can hear when we make love, which is a major turnoff for me, but seems to turn on my husband. I have started denying him sex because I don’t want the house help to look at me funny anymore. I told him that I will only oblige if we move house, but he says we will not move until he decides. What do I do because now he is threatening to get his needs met elsewhere, yet I can’t get aroused in this house?

READERS’ ADVICE

If you deny your husband his conjugal rights, he might just make good his threat to have his needs met elsewhere. Have you had a candid talk with your husband, explaining why you are uncomfortable with the current situation? Can he afford to pay for a bigger house? Please discuss this issue in depth and continue being supportive of each other. If you can’t come to a consensus, involve a mature third party you both respect. Calvin Queens

Do you know why your husband is adamant about not moving house? Cost is likely a major factor. Your family is not that big at the moment and your husband feels that the current house fits your needs as a family perfectly. If cost is his worry, can you arrange to split the rent with him for a bigger house? Also consider that higher rent may put a strain on your other financial obligations. Lastly, your approach should not be nagging and putting pressure on him, but rather showing him how a bigger house will benefit him and your family as a whole. Movince Oduor

Denying your husband sex is a big mistake. Secondly, there seems to be a problem with the way you communicate with each other. Communication should help you talk about issues openly and clearly so that you can come to an agreement without unnecessary misunderstanding. You also need to treat each other with respect always. Ogola Anthony Otieno

Use diplomacy to negotiate for a move and to persuade your husband to follow through on any promises he makes. Put your case to him and highlight how he will benefit from a spacious house with more privacy. Richard Adrams

Don’t be vague when you communicate any issues of concern. No two people look at things the same way, so you must share detailed information with each other to help you see things from an alternative point of view and to find common

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Your husband is not ready to leave his comfort zone, but don’t flash the sex card. Your arousal is dependent on your mindset; don’t kill the fire of intimacy between you and your husband because of the size of a house, because once the fire is gone, it will be difficult to revive it. In life, you don’t always get what you want when you want it, but you learn to live with your circumstances and make the most of them. Your husband is still attracted to you sexually, which is more than most women in marriage get. While your ambition to move house is valid, it is not likely to happen immediately. Accept that so that when it happens, it will not be without a husband who desires and loves you.