I’m fed up with my irresponsible and unfaithful husband

Dear Kitoto,

I have been reading your column and  thank you for helping many who need guidance.

I am in my late 40s and have been having problems with my husband.  I am a mother of one grown-up son. We met 17 years ago but I have been living like a single woman, taking care of all the financial obligations, including my son’s education.

We formalised our marriage eight years ago through a customary ceremony and  I thought he would change and assume his responsibilities as a man but he has not. We separated and in 2012 had a discussion and had him put it down in writing that he would take up his responsibilities as a  husband and father. At that time he had no job but he later he got a well-paying job. 

However, nothing changed and I waited for about one-and-a-half years, still assuming all the responsibilities. I am now fed up and feel I cannot continue living with him. I used to love him very much but when he started having affairs  and neglecting his financial responsibilities, my love for him started growing cold.

I built the house in which we live and have seen my son through university.  When I ask him why he does not take care of us, he evades the question and goes away, sometimes without my knowledge, only to send me a text message later saying he went to our rural home “where he is farming”. 

Whenever I suggest that we sit down with our parents or friends to discuss our problem, he always finds a way of avoiding it.

Kindly advise because I don’t see a future with him.

Carol

Hi,

The history of every relationship is very important. It is said that history can teach us, warn us and help us determine future action. Sadly, many refuse or ignore to learn from the past. My view is that there is a lot to learn from your husband’s previous and current actions. Several issues stand out from his past behaviour that require attention.

The first issue has to do with his failure to take up the responsibility of supporting the family financially. However, I should not forget to congratulate you on the superb work you have done in caring for, and educating, your son. Your son will be forever grateful to you for being there for him.

However, you cannot force your man to support your son or the home, neither can he force you to do what you are doing. This is a responsibility the two of you agreed to when you got married.

Indeed, there are bodies established by law that one can use to get help regarding  child and spousal support. This is a decision you have to take consciously. It might or might not involve money, depending on who is willing to give you the help. I am sure with 17 years of knowing each other and many other years of being married, this man is not really a stranger. If he is not interested in healing the separation, all you can do is pray, seek counsel, and wait. 

Amid all this, you have a son to take care of and a life to live. Don’t forget yourself in the process. Your son will finally look to you for direction and support. Your strength could just be what he needs to face the future and fight his own giants.

In relationships, money can create many other problems. In some relationships, money is used to acquire power and sex, and sex is used to get power and control. A proper view of money and power helps us avoid fights, separation, and disillusionment in families. Spouses with little money are worried, so they fight to get more while those with a lot of money become self-centered and secretive about what they do.

Second is the issue with adultery. No issues  touch us as profoundly and cause as much controversy in relationships as money, sex, and power. These are not easy issues to deal with. Many relationships have ended because of the way money is handled. For now, I suggest that you learn to be content instead of being consumed by anxiety. Contentment will help you be honest about your status, realistic in your spending so that you live within your means, easily adapt your attitude to the changing environment, and live a humble life.

Third is his attitude towards the relationship. It is said that attitude is everything. What I see is a dismissive attitude in so far as marriage is concerned. Since he got the job, the stakes have changed. It appears you are not part of his priority or agenda. Since you have communicated what is in your heart, I suggest that you let him make a choice. The only thing you cannot do is  force him to love you or commit to the relationship. If his attitude has changed towards you, it is up to you to demonstrate the proper attitude so that he can change his perception of you.