Is my conduct putting men off?

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for your advice.

I am a 25-year-old, born-again Christian woman.  I have had three failed relationships since 2011.  The first one ended  when I expressed  concern about my boyfriend going to clubs with dubious characters to watch football. When I asked why he could not watch the game at home,  he said it was more fun watching games at clubs. I tried my best to see him grow spiritually without success, so I ended the relationship in March 2014.

In March 2015, I started dating a former college mate, but  he ended the relationship after three months when I expressed concern about his reluctance to communicate without any explanation. In December last year, he explained to me that he had ended  our relationship because of some money he had lost in an investment, and that he wanted us to get back together. I refused, but  we remain friends and communicate occasionally.

In early 2016, I started dating  a man with whom I serve on the same evangelistic team.  It lasted a year and two months. He had promised me marriage and we even visited his home together in November 2016. But when I refused to have sex with him, he started communicating less with me, although I would call  and text him daily.

Early this year he was admitted for a Masters degree. I was willing to wait for him to finish his course since I am also doing some short courses. When I revisited  the issue of his reluctance to communicate in February, he was outright rude. He ended the relationship in March this year,  saying he  could not give me the kind of attention I needed. I sank into a depression, until a male friend from church, who had known me since December 2016, noticed in early April that something was wrong. I opened up to him and he has remained close, helping me heal. In early May, he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying it would help me heal faster. 

I still meet my last boyfriend at certain functions and it causes me a lot of pain afterwards, leaving me wondering where I went wrong. As a result, at one point I almost stopped attending functions where I would meet him.

Now, my new friend who wants us to date also ended his relationship with a youth from our church—it lasted less  than three months — in February this year.

I have told him I want him only as a friend  but he keeps  saying he is not desperate. I’m surprised that  he is ready to get into another relationship so soon and  wonder why he  says he is not desperate.

Besides, he seems secure and told me that were we to date, we could even wed in April next year, which is too soon for me.

Should I agree to this new relationship? Was I demanding and overreacting, leading to the failure of my previous relationships? How long should I remain  single after ending a relationship?

Kindly advise.

Hi,

First, I want to congratulate you for being  principled.  Your desire to live an upright life is commendable. Many people are willing to compromise  because they place great urgency on relationships,  only to end up getting hurt. Short-term gains like sex are destroying many relationships and lives. I suggest that you set for yourself a very clear goal that you want to achieve in a relationship. Do not let others control your love life; remain firmly in the driver’s seat. That way you can take responsibility for your every action — or inaction— with pride.

Second, as much as I commend you for your firm stand, I am a bit worried about the way you have been moving from one relationship to another. This  causes the confusion and pain you feel occasionally.

 Did your previous relationships end because you were demanding and overreacting? I  don’t think so. If anything, I believe that great relationships involve respect. A person who refuses to show respect to their partner is not worth running after. Such respect  involves  knowing when their partner says no.

 I know of great women who have been off relationships for five to 10 years because they refused to be turned into  sex objects. I believe there is pride in living by one’s values. Life is not all about sex. You can be single and still live a meaningful life. However, I have also met many men of integrity who are looking for  women of integrity. I pray that you live a principled, satisfying life, meaning a life without regrets.