Is ‘wife material’ a false construct?

We’ve all heard the term ‘wife material’ bandied about – and most times, it is used to infer a woman who excels at cooking, cleaning and carrying babies. But is this just a social term that people throw about or are cooking and cleaning high on the list of preferred qualities for men seeking to settle down? We spoke to few to find out.

DENNIS, 29, MARRIED, ACCOUNTANT

“My wife is a teacher. Physical appearance is definitely what attracted me first, and then I found out she was God-fearing and generally respectful. She’s also a family oriented person who loves kids. At the end of the day you want to sit down with someone and negotiate things about your family together. Today’s woman is educated so you have to respect her as well as her opinions. You have to run things by her and you can’t do other things like hang out the whole night, much less without informing her. Any man just wants his woman to respect him. Respect doesn’t mean she agrees with everything you decree; your idea might not be the best and you need to make room for a better idea.

“She does have her duties as a wife, but it does not mean she will always be able to do them by herself. The man can assist when it comes to chores because sometimes you’re both tired, and you can understand she would need assistance. In terms of income and planning, as a man you would like to provide more, but life might see the wife earning more. Whoever has the more income doesn’t have to throw it in their partner’s face, (which happens sometimes). So it’s best to invest and budget together for the best future.”

TIMOTHY JAMES, 37, ADVOCATE, GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP

“I was previously married for 10 years and I have two sons. I think a woman is worth keeping if she’s honest and tells me everything. We can work from there. It’s not that we date for a month and then skeletons start walking out of the closet. Of course my first point of attraction is looks, but I like honesty in the smile. I can tell if a person is smiling honestly or because of the nice suit I’m wearing by looking into their eyes. I would be turned off immediately by an arrogant woman. There’s this new age, self-absorbed personality most ladies have nowadays that just doesn’t fly with me. Conversation makes a relationship thrive, it breaks down all barriers. I like a person with substance; someone who reads books, is in touch with the news, not someone who is always on their phone going through Facebook or Instagram posts. Chores can be taken care of by the cleaning lady, and you can buy precooked meals and make it at home. I’m a guy and I cook. She does however have to leave the spaces as clean or neat as she found them; clean your own plate, straighten the pillows on the seats and make the bed after you. I can’t live in a house where dirt is accumulating because you say we’ll clean it three days later.

“I wouldn’t have a problem with a lady who’s had multiple sexual partners before me, as long as she was safe about it. My problem is if you’ve had a history of sexually transmitted infections and you’re still in your 20s. I also don’t want to have a robot who doesn’t voice her opinion; if she’s investing in you she’ll let you know what she’s thinking and you can manoeuvre in the relationship. When you find someone, you find contentment. If something is bothering you, talk over it and don’t sleep annoyed at each other. If you leave home annoyed with your girlfriend, fiancé or wife, it ruins your whole day. A relationship is an investment that is bigger than any other, because it involves a fragile heart. Sex is just an added advantage because of the feel good hormones it releases. I’ve had my heart broken once and I don’t want to go through it again.”

BENSON MWANGI, 30, TAXI OPERATOR, MARRIED

Besides the physical appearance, what really draws me to my wife is the trust I have in her. I know I can leave her alone for up to a year and she would still be faithful to me. Her self-respect and respect of me has made me gain more prestige in our circles. She takes our relationship very serious and doesn’t entertain innuendos or borderline jokes or statements from other men. I do the same by her. Respect has nothing to do with whether or not the woman is financially independent. When your wife is a housewife and you’re off working, you never know whom she could be talking to or bringing to the house during the day. I want my wife to be able to depend on herself in the event I won’t be there. Then she can go and make herself pretty like a modern woman.

“Since we are both working individuals, we have divided responsibilities. For example, I pay our six-year-old’s school fees and buy food for the household, while she pays the house rent. When I have an early day off work, I will go pick up our son and prepare the evening tea for all of us. Even if she’s there I still assist her where she needs help because we don’t have a house-help, since we all leave the house together in the morning and head home together in the evening. My wife and I even get to the point of heated arguments when we’re trying to come to a decision because we’re both involved in all decisions of the house. The discussions are important because we both have different opinions on certain issues. Wouldn’t you question if someone always agreed or disagreed to everything you said? You can’t prosper by yourself in this life, your wife is someone who’s there to help you make decisions that are beneficial to your future as a family.”

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AND NOW, A WORD FROM WOMEN

Is today’s woman honing her home-making skills in preparation for marriage, or is she more empowered about creating her own future filled with the things she is interested in? Let’s find out.

JULIET LITIEMA, 24, IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

It seems ancient but a woman should basically be able to cook and clean, even though it shouldn’t be the standard by which she is gauged to be good ‘wife material’. Someone could be good at cooking and cleaning but doesn’t know her place in God, and is not supportive to her husband as a helpmate. She should become the best person she can be, if that’s a career path, good, but not at the expense of her marriage. Each one of you should work on their self, not expecting to change the other.

DIANA MURIUKI, 32, MARRIED

I think the most important thing is the character. Is the woman someone that the man is able to live with or that he’s sure has his back? She has to be a God-fearing person because character is molded by God. This teaches you the needs of your husband and know how to be good wife. You cannot decode some things from a human perspective. Even the man has to be a man of character; then he will be able to know how to handle the woman as God expects him to.

DIANA RACHEL, 28, SINGLE

I don’t think that should be forced on anyone, but I believe it’s in the nature of a woman to do her wifely duties. Even if she’s working in a white collar job, I think she should find time to do that for her husband. We were made to multitask so you just need to balance. I have a detergents allergy, but I will always cook for my husband and my family. I will only have the help to clean, or maybe cooking when I can’t find the time. There are other considerations for a woman worth keeping such as morals, being there for your husband and supporting what he’s doing for the common goal of growing as a family.

MARIAM, 40, MARRIED

Whether you’re a working woman or housewife, the woman is obligated to ensure that her husband leaves the house dressed well, having had a good breakfast. What fails most married women in towns is abdicating these responsibilities to the house helps. Once your house help knows what your husband’s favourite meal and style of dressing then your marriage is in big trouble, and she can easily grasp your man. The house help can help out in washing clothes and cleaning the house, outside of your bedroom. You should also have a welcoming character. Some men take long to come home after work, or when they hang out with friends, because their wives are combative and confrontational from the time they walk through the door. If you have a gentle approach and always welcome him well by asking about his day, then even where he is he will always be looking forward to come to you. Sex in the marriage is also an important aspect that spices the relationship.