MANTALK: No one cares who you date…

Nobody cares who you date, lady. Yes, you, lady, I’m talking to you. I’m saying nobody cares who you date. You want to date a much younger guy? Please go ahead if it floats your boat. But do it with caution and some good sense. I hear younger guys are more enthusiastic and spontaneous, which means they don’t do boring things like nap in the afternoons like, say guys in their 50s. (That’s what I heard guys, I’m just a messenger.). They also have less baggage, meaning they don’t have babies all over and ex-wives and skeletons in the closet and shylocks pasting their pictures on Facebook demanding payment of a few thousands. Also I hear these younger chaps are fun; they want to kiss you in the rain or pack a bag and drive to Naivasha at the drop of a hat. (You would too if your day consisted of designing business cards in your pyjamas in your big sister’s house as you ‘shikilia’).

I also hear they don’t worry too much, these young-uns. (Well, why would they when they think life is a video game?) Then of course we won’t hear the end of it about the sex. How they are energetic and creative and how they don’t tire and never complain of ailments like gout. Plus, apparently they have six-packs, which of course you can always trade in for a trip to Dubai. Or a lavish dinner. I hear they are called Ben 10s now, a derivative of that cartoon of the 10-year-old who can turn into an alien hero. It’s an annoying cartoon with the main character, Ben, who speaks like a burst pipe. Don’t bother watching it; take my word for it.

So yes, lady, it’s fine. You can keep three of those Ben 10s if you want. But for crying out loud, stop talking about them to anyone who has ears. The Ben 10s’ are supposed to be these new revolutionary boys who will change the game – you know, transform the relations that men have with women. They are like the boogeymen that parents would scare children with if they misbehave. Also, could you please stop dragging them to places where grown men sit? Let them be toys that you play with in your own free time but when you show up with them at functions or to drink-ups, and they sit there next to you like you are their auntie, it’s just sad.

It’s amazing how these Ben 10s can sit under your thumb and say nyet because they don’t care for the ‘old’ topics you are on about around that table. (He still says things like “Nyanza province”). So the whole evening his head is bent on his phone, Facebooking or taking pictures of his drink for what they call SnapChat. Don’t even get me started on SnapChat, it’s exhausting. You take pictures of things and yourself and then you put them up then they disappear then... oh forget it, just don’t join it.

The Ben 10 is nothing but an accessory that speaks. He’s meant not to be carried around like a lovely bag, but to be used in private, like a toothbrush; everybody knows we brush our teeth. Nobody needs to hear about it or see the evidence. Ben 10s are a temporary solution to a long-standing problem. He will give temporary respite, but it won’t last. But to each their own, right? Who are we to give a commentary on who you date, lady?

HALF-BAKED MAN

We are happy that you found something you are looking for. But also remember one thing – that this is a cycle of sorts and it’s going to come the full circle. Because when you keep a Ben 10 you diminish the boy. You turn him into a gigolo before the area behind his ear is dry. Your recondition his thinking, putting him in a space where he sees himself as a tool, something to be used in exchange for favours. You make him lazy and you turn him into a half-baked man who will never grow into a man or know what that is. One day when the girls his age get to the point of settling down there will be no men male enough to handle them, because the ones that will be there will not know the first thing about leading, about being decisive because all they have known are much older women who treat them like playthings. They will imagine that all they have to bring to the table is their sexual prowess and their six-packs which will long be buried under an unsightly heap of lost opportunities. So lady, nobody cares who you date but for the love of Josh, just let these small boys be.