HEART ADVICE: My husband has turned into a monster

I dated my boyfriend for a year and then moved in with him last year when I got pregnant. After I gave birth, he changed into a monster. He now drinks every day and beats me up over everything and nothing.

I have nowhere to go since I am an orphan and I am not in good terms with my relatives. I’m also jobless and I don’t have a college education, so I’m happy that at least he provides for us.

I tried talking to his mother, but she blamed me for the violence that is meted out on me and told me that if I was a humble and submissive wife, her son would never lay a hand on me. I have nowhere to turn.

What can I do to make my guy the good man he was before we got a child?

READERS' ADVICE

Could it be that your husband is under a lot of pressure? Talk to him when he is sober and ask him what is going on in his life and why he acts the way he does. That said, don’t console yourself that he is providing for you; if that is why you are staying, know that someone who mistreats you can easily withdraw his support, so start a business or do odd jobs – you do not need a college education for that. Lastly, there is nothing you can do to make your husband good again; that is his choice. However, the power is in your hands to become a better, stronger, more confident and assertive woman, regardless of whether you are an orphan or jobless.

Ogola Anthony Otieno

He pretended to be a good man, and now that he thinks he owns you, he feels he can do anything to you. Try talking to him about the pain he is causing you while he is sober. He might not quit drinking, but he can stop abusing you. Being an orphan should not limit you from enjoying life. I’m sure you have friends you can lean on for support as you try to stand on your own two feet, if your man doesn’t change. Don’t sacrifice your happiness or allow anybody to abuse you. You matter.

Juma Felix

I am sorry for your situation. My advice: Avoid arguments and confrontations with him. Don’t be the first to respond; it takes two to fight, so if you do not enter the ring, he will have nobody to fight with. Whenever he talks, let him talk and when he is done, only respond if it is necessary. Lastly, talk to him when he is sober and hold him accountable for his actions. Duncan Royal Class

Your child needs you in one piece and in peace, so don’t use the fact that you are an orphan as an excuse to stay in a bad relationship. You can do odd jobs to support yourself and your child and you can also take this man to court so that he can be compelled to support his child. Run for your life before it is too late.

Phyllis Yzma Muthoni

You sound very desperate. You need to work on your confidence and start seeing things from a different perspective. You have a victim mentality that has the power to keep you enslaved. Start practising being hopeful and seeing solutions for your situation. You can earn your own money by working or setting up a business to support yourself. You can live a happier life. Think about the possibilities and do something to get there.

Joseph Silla

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EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

It is unfortunate that your man has resorted to beating you. It appears that he was not ready to start a family; he probably feels trapped hence his resentment towards you and subsequently, his habit of taking out his frustrations on you.

I don’t know where his mother was coming from when she said that you should be humble and submissive and I’m not putting the blame on you for the violence, but consider that there are things that might provoke your man or trigger violence.

It is not right for him to be violent, but since you find yourself in that situation and since you don’t see leaving as an option, you need to do things that safeguard you from the violence.

Also try soothing his ego and being more attentive to his likes and dislikes and hopefully, that might change the current situation and put an end to the violent episodes.