Now that I can’t lend him cash, he’s cold and distant

I started dating him in December 2013, when  I was working as house-help in Nairobi. I used to loan him small amounts of cash for his upkeep since he was was in college. At that time he  seemed loving and focused but when I got another job in 2015 and  started part-time classes and could no longer lend him money since I was paying fees for myself, he changed. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • At that time he  seemed loving and  focused but when I got another job in 2015 and  started part-time classes and could no longer lend him money since I was paying fees for myself, he changed. We do not communicate the way we used to, and he rarely calls me even though we had talked a lot about marriage.  
  • Last year he sent me a picture of another woman on WhatsApp and when I asked him about it, he denied having sent it, saying it was sent by one of his cousins who had been using his phone. I didn’t say much because I trust him.

Hi Mr Kitoto,

I’m a great fan of your column.

I’m a bit worried about my current dating situation. I am 25 years old and have been dating a man for about three years now.

I met him in 2008 when I was in Form One but started dating him in December 2013, when  I was working as house-help in Nairobi.

I used to loan him small amounts of cash for his upkeep since he was was in college. At that time he  seemed loving and  focused but when I got another job in 2015 and  started part-time classes and could no longer lend him money since I was paying fees for myself, he changed. We do not communicate the way we used to, and he rarely calls me even though we had talked a lot about marriage.  

Last year he sent me a picture of another woman on WhatsApp and when I asked him about it, he denied having sent it, saying it was sent by one of his cousins who had been using his phone. I didn’t say much because I trust him. I have asked him several times to take me to visit  his parents but he has gone all quiet about the issue.

What is making him behave like this? Could it be because I was assisting him financially but have stopped as a result of my own needs,  or is it because he is a bit more educated than I am? Should I let him go and look for someone else?

Kindly assist.

 

Hi,

Thank you for being a regular reader of the column.

Let me start by asking a simple but key question: In a relationship, what makes a great foundation that could lead to marriage? When we don’t get this right, we are most likely going to be disappointed.

What you are experiencing now are cracks in the foundation that could be fatal in the end. It is certain that money played a great part in your connection from a very early stage. Key to a great relationship are open and free disclosure, value-based fellowship, chemistry based on great communication, and integrity, among other factors.

In growing relationships, disclosure and companionship should be founded on trust. What I  see from your boyfriend’s actions is a desire to create an environment of mistrust. I don’t believe that he was not the one who sent you the photo on WhatsApp. His explanation does not hold water.

You must count yourself lucky to have received it. It could just be what you needed to avoid a relationship that could lead to a failed marriage. My take is that his intentional communication via WhatsApp and his silence should help you get the message.

His intentions are clear; he has moved on. It is time you considered what his actions will end up doing  to you in the long run. He has no right to treat you differently just because he is better educated or has more money than you. Keep your dignity. You will only have yourself to blame if you choose to view yourself through his eyes.