MANTALK: What turns men  off in a relationship

A reader wrote me an email and said, “Why don’t you write the things that women do early in relationship that we hate?” I wrote back and said, “Good idea, how about you start me off with your favourite pet peeve?” He wrote back and said, “Trying to change my diet!” I said, “How many kilogrammes do you weigh, boss?” He said, “107kgs. But I’m tall.” I asked how tall? He said, “6’0’’

 “Chief, you are not tall,” I told him, “And you probably need to lose that weight. Thank God for her.”  He wrote back, “Are you on their side now?” I said, “No, but neither am I on the side for diabetes and hypertension.”

So here we go, the top things women do at the beginning of the relationship that we hate, inspired by one Felix. M, standing at a record 107kgs.

CHANGING YOU

Take someone like Felix up there. He’s 107kgs and probably needs to join a gym or take on a sport that will make him lose that weight. He probably knows this. Actually he does. Big people who need to lose weight know the health benefits of it. But it requires tact. You can’t come into his life and put a carrot in his mouth on Day 12. It requires subtle and very gradual introduction of a lifestyle. You can’t be one of those women who pester a man to shave off his beard three months in, a beard he has had for two years. Or guilting him to stop eating “animals” because they have “intelligence” and “emotions.”  There are people who love their beards and then there are people who love eating turkey. Let them be.

OVERSTAYING HER WELCOME

She spent Friday night. That was great. She was back on Saturday. That’s also okay. But on Sunday she showed no signs of leaving. She just lay there in your shirt, eating an apple, remote in hand, asking, “Did you ever you watch You Got Mail?” When she leaves she says, “Let me go pick some clothes for tomorrow.” Please don’t!

It’s too soon. Read the signs. If he says, “I think I will have to step out in the afternoon to go visit my cousin,” don’t say, “Oh, say hi, what time will you back?” He means when he leaves, you also leave and you don’t come back that day.

COMPLAINING ABOUT THE EX

Well, we all want to know that we are better human beings and lovers than her ex (even if we aren’t), but that’s not all we want to listen to every waking hour! Any woman who keeps talking garbage about her ex will one day talk garbage about you to the next man. It also means that she isn’t over him entirely.

MONEY

A girl calls a guy she met on the second date and says, “Imagine my card won’t work and I’m at the petrol station. Could you M-Pesa me 3,000 for fuel, I will pay back.” First, won’t Sh3,000 worth of fuel flood that small car? But even more importantly, if you have known her a collective of four hours in total and she is asking for fuel money, what happens when you have known her for 40 hours? Won’t she be asking if you can spare your kidney? After all it’s not like you need both. Lastly, ladies, stop asking men you barely know for money. It’s a turn off. And while at it, stop saying you will “pay back” because we know you will pay back when it snows in hell.

PEEING LOUDLY

This is my personal pet peeve. If I don’t know a woman over six months, I’d not want to hear her peeing loudly in the loo. You can get away with an accidental passage of air but I can’t get over the sound of you peeing loudly. It just makes me anxious. I can’ explain it. The sound of urine splashing on the water in the loo like a small waterfall isn’t something I want to hear. It burst all my bubbles too soon. Fills my head with nightmares. Lastly, it erodes my mystery. I can’t even look at you the same after that. I will always just hear the sound in my head.

GETTING WASTED

Let’s say you take this girl out for a drink and she drinks so much she gets zonked. She gets up on her feet and wobbles a bit, holding the counter to steady herself. She touches her head and smiles apologetically and says, “Gosh, I’m so sorry...this thing has gotten to my head...gosh, I’m sorry to embarrass you….let me go to the bathroom, please watch my bag. I’m sorry.” And you say, “That’s no problem, but don’t you need your bag in the loo?” and she smiles, a wobbly smile, and says, “Oops, yes, you are right.” Of course you will make sure she gets home and then you will make sure you never see her again. It doesn’t matter what anyone says; a drunk man is ugly as hell. A drunk woman is uglier.