Why men stay with cheating wives

What people don’t often discuss is men who stay with cheating wives. A psychologist based in Nairobi, says that women cheat just as much as men do, but they cover their tracks well. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • While a man who has just discovered that his wife is cheating might opt to kick her out of the marriage, not too many men will ultimately opt for a divorce. Instead, they will unleash their hurt on the person their wife has been cheating with.
  • Some men will ignore the infidelity altogether because it may be a big blow to their ego if they accept it.
  • According to Samantha Burns, a marriage coach and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, many of the men who opt to stay will have to contend with the eroded trust he feels.

Husbands who cheat on their wives – and wives who stay with them – are a stereotype.

What people don’t often discuss is men who stay with cheating wives.

Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi, says that women cheat just as much as men do, but they cover their tracks well. Let’s explore the issue. 

Why she cheated

Women don’t ‘just cheat’. Certain circumstances will make her likely to cheat. According to Dr. Hart, these include when the husband has gone violent, cheated or lost their job. “She’s also most likely to cheat when she’s ovulating,” he says.

Additionally, according to Robert Weiss, the author of Sex Addiction 101, other items such as sex addiction, wanting to quit the marriage, lack of sex and lack of exhilarating intimacy might lead to an affair. 

Who’s fault?

While a man who has just discovered that his wife is cheating might opt to kick her out of the marriage, not too many men will ultimately opt for a divorce. Instead, they will unleash their hurt on the person their wife has been cheating with.

According to Patrick Musau, a psychologist, there is usually the sense that it is the other man’s fault. “These men find difficulty in accepting their own contribution to the infidelity, and instead want to blame the other man for way-laying their wives,” he says. 

Saving face

Some men will ignore the infidelity altogether because it may be a big blow to their ego if they accept it. Evanson Munywoki, a psychologist based in Nairobi, singles out failure to perform in bed as an example: “Men have a delicate ego, and (few) will be willing to (discuss) their erectile or ejaculatory problems.

Consequently, they’ll turn a blind eye to the infidelity in order to save face,” he says. Nonetheless, there are men who may not react simply because they have been cheats all along despite playing victim. 

Moving forward

According to Samantha Burns, a marriage coach and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, many of the men who opt to stay will have to contend with the eroded trust he feels.

“Such men will want to hear their women say ‘I’m sorry, it won’t happen again’, but many of these women will tend to be realistic and hesitate to offer guarantees,” she says. 

According to Dr. Hart, if a man decides to stay, he will need to forgive his wife and rebuild the marriage afresh.