MY WEEKEND: Why reject child just because you are not biological father?

On Thursday morning, I happened to listen to Maina Kageni’s radio show on Classic 105. I think the question he asked  was whether they, (men) would raise a child that isn’t theirs, specifically one that the woman they plan to marry got from a previous relationship.

You should have heard the unfeeling, venomous comments by callers! To say that I was appalled would be an understatement. Without going into details, the general consensus by the men who called in was that for all they care, that child would die first before they directed their hard-earned money on him or her, after all, they had not fathered that child, so he or she was therefore not their responsibility.

I will not delve into what I think about this subject, after all, who am I to tell people how to conduct their affairs? Those 30 minutes, however, of listening to Kenyan men argue why the last thing they would do is take in a child that isn’t their flesh and blood revealed just how, over the years, we have metamorphosed as a society. And this metamorphosis, I am afraid, is ugly.

I think that it was Nelson Mandela who said, “The true character of a society is revealed in how it treats its children.”

WHY REJECT A CHILD?

That someone would reject a child purely because he or she isn’t their biological offspring points at how unfeeling and uncaring we have become. A society that is uncharitable towards its children has no soul left, and is incapable of caring about anything, or anyone. This intensely heartless attitude perhaps explains the high level of intolerance we exhibit in our interactions with each other on our roads, in the political space, on social media, in our places of work, in our neighbourhoods. Even in our relationships. This remorseless attitude could also be what fuels the festering tribalism which will be the death of us one day. 

This mean-spirited attitude also perhaps explains the appalling stories we keep reading in the media, stories related to the inhumane treatment we often subject our children to.

Just last week, a man was arrested on suspicion of murdering his four-year-old step daughter – the little girl was found in a thicket chopped into pieces. But this is just one example in a sea of the shocking brutality innocent, helpless children are subjected to by the very people who should be taking care of them. We’ve also heard at least one story featuring a step-mother from hell, who, instead of playing the role of mother to their spouse’s child like they would their own, mistreats him or her, going as far as inflicting shocking bodily harm in the name of discipline. How about the increasing sexual abuse of minors? What of the growing number of street children?

SCARES ME

I don’t know about you, but this state of affairs scares me; it makes me afraid of what the future forebodes, especially for our children, to whom we are unconsciously bequeathing this legacy of inhumanness.

But even in the midst of a hopeless situation, there is always that glimmer of hope; in this case, it is those men and women that are selflessly raising children that they didn’t father or give birth to like they would their own. Whatever circumstances led you here, you are that glimmer of hope in a seemingly hopeless situation, and with Kenyans like you, perhaps I need not be afraid of the future. 

[email protected]; Twitter: @cnjerius. The writer is the editor, MyNetwork, in the Daily Nation

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FEEDBACK

Thanks for your article on Are you a prisoner of your memory? Women have elephant memory more so if it had a negative effect. The one I will never forget is the day I found my husband going through my bag after he arrived home late. I always dump my bag in the kitchen so after opening the door for him, I went back to bed, then I remembered I had not removed sausages from the freezer for breakfast the following day. In the kitchen, he had my purse going through my receipts! I was shocked and felt violated. He could not explain what he was looking for. Every time we disagree I remind him and he avoids my bag like plague. – Onyino

I too don’t forget easily. One that stands out was this bodaboda man who used to take me to school in lower primary. Each morning, at a specific place, he used to fart. The smell was terrible. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to strike and my parents had to look for plan B. – Ruth

 I agree with you that no matter our past mistakes or any memory burden, we should let all go. – Dennis

I have been a prisoner of my memory. It is not easy to let go. It affects the way I relate with those who have wronged me. I will try to let go of the memories that bog me down. – Rachael

Your article on school fires was spot-on. Most school dorms are fire-traps and it’s only by the grace of God more tragedies have not happened. In my opinion, boarding schools are overrated. I am a product of that schooling system, having been taken to boarding in Class Three. I hated schooling away from home. I swore never to let any of my children near a boarding school. My daughters did well in day schools and joined good universities and are on their careers of choice. I know many children who struggle with boarding school would do better in day school. –Njeri 

My condolences to the families who lost their dear daughters in the Moi Girls Nairobi fire. Our schools should be made safer. It is painful to imagine what happened to those students. – Martin

When window grills and strong doors were originally installed, there were no school fires. It was for security and discipline. Imagine what would happen if rapists gained entry at night into a girls’ dormitory. One cannot even trust the watchmen. Both the parents and school boards need to come up with a solution though it is a tricky balancing act. – Chege

Reading your column doubled my nightmares, not after I left St Georges Girls at night where my daughter schools. That drive at night is the longest I have taken. –Maina