RELATIONSHIP TIPS: Why you should maintain your independence in marriage

You must have a life beyond the marriage. In as much as marriage is for assisting each other, self-reliance is very important in marriage. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Once you get married, it is critical that you do not abandon these goals and obligations.
  • “They shouldn’t be a secret, but they should remain in your control,” he says.
  • Dr Hart adds that you should continue carrying out chores as if you were single.

In July this year, a man in UK wrote a public letter to his wife. The letter was titled, ‘A Letter to My Wife Who Won’t Get a Job While I Work Myself to Death.’ He complained that while he had put in grueling hours to get his career started, his wife was ambivalent about finding a job despite her high qualifications and their kids being in school full time. She was comfortable taking a back seat while he provided for the family. “I want you to get a job… I want you to work so our marriage can feel more like a partnership and I can feel less like your financial beast of burden. I want our daughter to see you in the workforce and I want her to pursue a career so she is never as dependent on a man as you are on me, no matter how much he loves her. But mostly, I want you to get a job because I want to feel loved,” he said. Evidently, this letter betrayed the state many couples often find themselves in. On one hand is the husband who will no longer touch the dishes or laundry. On the other is the wife who’ll no longer work, save or invest. Nonetheless, according to Nairobi-based psychologist Ken Munyua, marriage shouldn’t be an opportunity to abdicate the things you did when single.

WHY IT HAPPENS

According to Munyua, men and women have been socialised to hand over ‘gender-assigned’ duties when married. “A man may have been a good cook or cleaner before marriage. After marriage, he’ll neither do his laundry nor cook his meals mainly because he has been socially accustomed to the myth that married men who cook or clean have been sat on,” he says. Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist and author based in Nairobi adds: “A marriage operates much in the same way a factory runs, with each partner taking on what he or she has grown to be good at. For instance, women will take on more social roles within the marriage.”

PERCEPTION

Failure to perform some of these tasks, says Elias Kiprotich, a family therapist based in Nakuru, may result in marriage breakdown. “To some men, leaving certain chores to women after getting married is perceived as a sign of dominance and manliness. Similarly, taking over certain ‘woman chores’ such as cooking and cleaning is perceived as one of the key attributes of a good home-builder in the society.”

LIFE BEYOND MARRIAGE

However, you must maintain a considerable and consistent level of self-reliance. “You must have a life beyond the marriage. In as much as marriage is for assisting each other, self-reliance is very important in marriage,” Kiprotich says. For instance, before you got hitched, you had your own savings accounts and investment units. Once you get married, it is critical that you do not abandon these goals and obligations. “They shouldn’t be a secret, but they should remain in your control,” he says. Dr. Hart adds that you should continue carrying out chores as if you were single. “You must be two completely independent people within the marriage regarding your career, financial lifestyle and professional skills,” he says, adding that these will come in handy if say you’re widowed or separated from your partner.