Sorry, but you shouldn’t be sorry

Loneliness can increase the risk of premature death by 14 percent in older adults, according to a study published Monday that posits a physiological basis for the phenomenon.

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What you need to know:

  • I think that in a social setting, it takes a very strong person to apologise.
  • When it comes to your career, however, apologising all the time is hurting you more than it is helping.
  • It may make you a good friend but it isn’t good for your career.

I started my day today at a meeting of young professionals. There was a young woman who spoke more than all of us at this meeting. Every time her hand shot up seeking audience, you could hear the tired sighs in the room. It’s not that she was asking obvious questions or that she had tired ideas. Far from it. It was that she began all her statements with, “I am sorry but…” By peppering her opening statements with an apology, she seemed to be unconsciously undermining whatever it was she was saying, hence the impatient, disinterested audience.

I imagine that this lovely young woman thought that she was being polite but what she was doing, in fact, was watering down her ideas and suggestions even before she spoke them. While she did have some very interesting ideas, she ended up seeming annoying.

Instead of wasting your sorrys, why not save them for those times when you have actually made a mistake that you need to take responsibility for?

For some reason, maybe because society shames overly confident or seemingly bossy women, women tend to apologise too much. You will apologise for your ideas, for asking questions which need answers, for taking up someone’s time which you deserved – sometimes, we even apologise for taking up the spaces we do, especially in our work places.

YOU WILL HURT YOUR CAREER

I think that in a social setting, it takes a very strong person to apologise. When it comes to your career, however, apologising all the time is hurting you more than it is helping. It may make you a good friend but it isn’t good for your career.

The minute you start your statement with an apology especially in a situation where there is a power play, you give the other person the upper hand. If you are always apologising for what you are about to say, your colleagues stop taking you seriously. In fact, it makes the person you are talking to wonder whether you know what you are talking about

It is what your parents taught you; they told you that being able to apologise is a healthy social skill but if you want to get into that corner office, you have to unlearn this.

You may worry about being too forward but if you ask me, at the work place, I would rather be known as the woman who is too forward or bossy rather than the woman who hasn’t a clue what she is talking about. I would rather be liked a little less than have those I work with doubt my abilities. If seeming polite is a big priority to you, you can try other ways of showing it. Instead of apologising for having to ask yet another question at the meeting, you could thank those present for their patience.

While doing away with the apologies will not instantly fix the male advantage in our offices, it definitely is a good place to start. Try saying what you need to say without feeling the need to apologise for it. Instead of wasting your sorrys, why not save them for those times when you have actually made a mistake that you need to take responsibility for?