HEART ADVICE: What can I do to save this valuable friendship?

I am a 38-year-old single mum of a teenage son. I’ve been friends with a 60-year-old married man for two years. He has been my mentor and confidant and I told him about how I was raped, something I have never told anyone else. He has also been a father figure to my son, but he never gives us money. Now he says we can no longer be friends because people will not understand. He has assured me that his wife is not the problem and has promised to continue mentoring my son. I feel devastated. Can’t a man and woman just be friends?

READERS’ ADVICE

Friendship between men and women is possible, but it takes maturity. What you describe is a one-sided relationship, where all you did was take. You do not seem to have added any value to your friend. What was in it for him? Sexual intimacy and money did not feature in your relationship, so you needed to be creative to contribute towards a mutually-rewarding relationship. Unfortunately, you came across as needy and not having other close friends put undue pressure on this man as your sole friend and confidant, not forgetting his role as a father figure to your son. Take up his generous offer to mentor your son, but let him go. You can’t insist on holding onto this friendship if you have nothing to offer. Betty

A man and woman can be just friends, but your friend wanting to terminate your relationship after two good years shows that there is something deeper brewing. You can ask him to be open and tell you exactly why he wants to end your friendship. Make him understand how beneficial your friendship with him is and how its end will affect you and your son. A candid chat will help you understand why he made that decision and that can help with closure, if nothing else. Juma Felix

Unfortunately society is very judgmental. Whenever people see a man and woman together, they imagine that there must be more than just friendship between them. Talk to your friend and make him understand that people will always talk, so one shouldn’t take everything said by others to heart or live by it, after all, his wife has no problem, so why should other people’s gossip influence whom he befriends? Talk to him once more and let him know that you value and appreciate his advice and that you would like to maintain the friendship.  Calvin Queens

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

There is a reason why your friend decided to end the friendship. Perhaps he felt that the bond between you was crossing over the friendship boundary to something else. Your own narration of events gives the impression that your feelings for him are more than friendly. To answer your question, men and women can indeed be just friends, but in your case, your friend seems to be getting uncomfortable with the way the relationship is shaping up, so he has taken precautions to avoid reaching a point of no return. Moreover, he rightly observed that society will always question a relationship between a young woman and an older man. He may be your mentor and informal life coach and the friendship may be meeting your expectations, but your friend feels that further interaction with you might jeopardise his family life or standing in society. Please respect his choice to end the relationship and move on.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: My husband’s ex-wife is always calling my husband under the guise of asking for financial support for her child, but in the real sense she wants my husband to reconcile with her. My mother-in-law rejected me and said that she only recognises my husband’s ex. I am currently pregnant with my husband’s child, our firstborn. My husband has assured me that he will never go back to his ex. What should I do to get his ex-wife off his back and to get my mother-in-law to accept me?