Uganda is facing its most urgent crisis - women’s dressing

 I hope to God that this idiocy of authoritarianism spreading across East Africa in a worrying wave is not contagious.

First it was Tanzania’s Magufuli with his nonsense law on schoolgirls who get pregnant – a ridiculous decree stating that girls who get pregnant should be kicked out of school and join the work force, basically taking us back to The Dark Ages and supporting child labour.

According to his decree, men are to serve 30 years in prison for impregnating high school girls.

Ridiculous, right?

But then, it was as if Uganda watched what Tanzania was doing, and the subsequent uproar, and decided that it could top that. The Ministry of Public Service decided that the dress code for women and men in the Ugandan public service needed to be amended.

I don’t know if I should be grateful that it is at least egalitarian in its egregiousness, or intensely annoyed that it is a woman defending this, with a side of internalised misogyny, just to keep things exciting.

"Ms Adah Muwanga, the ministry’s director for human resource, said the policy is a response to public outcry over indecent dressing among government workers."

There’s public outcry over a lot of things. Is this pressing issue what they chose to address first?

Per the Daily Nation, '"We got complaints that some public officers are indecent. Some female officers are pumping up their breasts, wearing mini-skirts… You are sexually harassing the male counterparts and in Uganda this is not acceptable,” Ms Muwanga said on Wednesday.’

Pumping up their breasts. There is only so much you can do once you are past a D Cup. Do they expect women to walk around with no support whatsoever?

'"We are mindful of the perception of the public towards our officers. Do you feel okay when you have nails several metres long? It is not neat and healthy and we have to care about the health of public officers,” she added.’

That’s ridiculous. Several metres? Also, why is this hygiene thing a problem or excuse for people to constantly pick on women? Was there a sudden outbreak? Were the metre-long nails an impediment to the job? And for God’s sake how come no one ever asks men about their pinkie fingers??

SENSIBILITIES OF UGANDANS

Female workers, according to the circular, “should avoid wearing sleeveless, transparent blouses and dresses and ensure that the clothing covers the cleavage, navels, knees and back.”

Knees and back. Rrrrr. Such temptresses. But seriously, why do people act as if the problem is the women as opposed to their minds? As if the distraction is the fault of the women? As if men’s self-control is a woman’s role to aid in?

"Female workers will not be allowed to appear in open flat shoes except on doctor’s recommendation or medical grounds, wear bright coloured natural hair, braids and hair extensions," the article continues.

Bullshit.

How do shoes distract the clients coming to the ministry's offices? Do shorter people somehow offend the sensibilities of Ugandans? Doctor’s orders because I prefer not to be in heels? Who wrote this thing?

Oh, and of course, the colour of my hair directly affects the efficacy of my work. I should have known.

People need to stop this nonsense of policing women’s bodies, really. It’s getting incredibly boring now. First, they want you fully covered. Then they want it not at all, if advertisements are anything to go by. Then they want to dictate what type of shoes and stockings you wear. Then your hairdo.

SLEEPING IN THEIR OFFICES

Why don’t we just give up autonomy of our bodies once and for all, instead of doing this dance capering to a man’s tune, a man who happens to have a fetish for women in heels?

‘On the other hand, the circular compels men to wear neat trousers, long-sleeved shirts, jacket and a tie.’ In Kampala’s heat? They just want people to be sleeping in their offices, for sure.

‘“Dressing is personal but it sends a message to the public. You cannot just let people dress the way they want when they cannot control themselves,” he argued.'

You cannot let people be adults. Then they will – the horror – make decisions and you can’t have people doing that, can you? I wonder what else they’re deciding for people, since apparently Ugandans cannot control themselves.

Policing of women’s bodies continues to exhaust me, in spite of honestly much bigger problems in a country whose miniskirt-wearing public are a drop in a quagmire of human rights violations.

I wish I could point a finger for longer, but even my country is currently dealing with a film classification board boss who wants to police our cartoons, so I’ll just crawl back into my glass house.

Twitter: @AbigailArunga