In Summary
  • Her eyes welled up with tears. She fetched a white handkerchief from her bag, blew her nose and wiped the tears. She was for sure frustrated.
  • But the issue of consent for sex has become more complicated these days.
  • Many couples feel that it is not romantic to verbalise and pronounce to your partner that you want to have sex.

I have come to contend with the fact that values on sex are as varied as the people who are sexually active.

As such, some prefer marrying a virgin while others have to engage in sexual intercourse during courtship.

I was therefore not surprised when Jack came to the Sexology Clinic to seek help for what he described as a crisis of a lifetime.

“We have been dating, and we have even set a date for the wedding but I am sorry it won’t take place unless she allows me to have sex with her beforehand,” he explained.

The two love birds had known each other for two years. James, a lawyer, was 28 years old and working for a private law firm. Janet was 25 years old. She had graduated with a Bachelor of Commerce degree but was yet to secure a job.


“So I presume your values are different in this respect, maybe Janet would only want to have sex in marriage,” I said, trying to figure out what the diagnosis could be for this couple.

Jack, however, shook his head vigorously in response.

“This woman has had sex before, she has had a boyfriend before,” he quipped.

I asked him to bring Janet along for the next appointment. I needed to get to the bottom of this matter to be able to offer help.

Janet, an elegant soft-spoken lady, was the opposite of Jack in terms of personality. She was shy and calm.

“I have never refused, he is the one who avoids me,” she explained, “I have felt rejected, and have actually been wondering if he is normal.”

After about 30 minutes of interrogating the couple, I concluded that they were experiencing what most couples suffer these days — difficulty in knowing if your partner wants to have sex. In many relationships, couples go for days on end, each party hoping that the other will make advances. They end up in sexless marriages, emotionally drained and feeling rejected because their lovers are not making the first move. “You see, I would not want Janet to accuse me of forcing her to have sex,” Jack interrupted, “can you imagine being accused of rape by someone you intend to marry?”


Page 1 of 2