SEXUAL HEALTH: Incompetence in the bedroom

“I need urgent help, please, you are my last hope,” came the voice. It was 7pm, and I was on my way home having finished my clinic duties for the day.

It is rare that bedroom issues become an emergency but to Jane, it appeared like there was dire emergency that she needed sorted immediately.

“It’s not that I do not love him,” she explained, “I seriously do, but he needs to be taught some basics about sex, just allow us to meet you tonight.”

The couple was only three months into marriage and as Jane put it, things were terribly wrong in the bedroom.

“You see, he has just called me when he is leaving town and asked me to lubricate before he arrives,” Jane continued explaining, “the next thing is that he will arrive here and begin intercourse the moment he meets me, it’s like rape.”

She said she had sustained bruises in her private parts during the few months they were married.

Her husband had formed a habit of calling while leaving town and asking her to lubricate in preparation for sex.

According to Jane, the man did not know anything about foreplay.

“My endeavour to explain to him the process a woman goes through before getting ready for sexual

intercourse has fallen on deaf ears. Or let’s just say that his concept of sex is very agonising.”

Jane is among the many women who endure dry and painful sex because their sex partners do not know how to prepare them psychologically and physically.

In a number of meetings with couples, the need to teach men foreplay has repeatedly been expressed.

Naturally, men get ready for sex almost instantly, especially in their early years in a relationship. Women, on the other hand, need to undergo preparation.

Healthy sexuality requires that the woman is well prepared, and that she is free of pain during sex. This cannot happen unless there is adequate lubrication. Lubrication happens when there is optimum foreplay.

One of the common problems making women and men to visit a sexologist today is bruises after sex. The bruises are not restricted to the woman; men similarly get them due to dry sex. “Is there a possibility that I could be abnormal?” Jane asked, “Are there women who just get phone calls from their spouses and lubricate naturally in preparation without being touched?”

Well, in normal circumstances, sex partners have to romance before they are ready for penetrative sex. It is unusual that a woman would get lubrication through a phone call.

Reflecting back, I noted that Jane’s predicament was a manifestation of a bigger problem that young couples go through today. People have sex without any skills because society has not developed systems for making them learn. Gone are the days when young men and women would sit with their aunties, uncles and grandparents to learn about sex. Today people learn about sexual intercourse from television and romantic novels and magazines. Most of what they learn from these channels is unrealistic since it is mostly drama and other forms of acting. The result is that people have weird imaginations about sex as they get in relationships.

“Well put doctor. So, what must we do to remedy this situation?” Jane asked when I met her with her husband at the clinic.

In the absence of community systems that can teach us about sex, it is highly recommended that couples go for sex counselling by a qualified sexologist or sexual medicine doctor. Again you have to be careful because there are many fake experts in the market. Qualified sexual health professionals impart skills that are crucial for healthy and satisfactory sex.

For an immediate solution, I prescribed a lubricant for Jane as the couple went through sex coaching. Lubricants are artificial gels used to supplement natural lubrication. There are situations like Jane’s where for one reason or another natural lubrication fails to happen. The woman applies a lubricant before sex to avoid consequences of dry sex. The root cause of dry sex must, however, be treated so that the woman is able to lubricate naturally.

It is important to note that not just any oil or cream can be used for lubrication. Using glycerine, for example, can lead to repeated candida infections. Recommended lubricants are classified into either water based or silicon lubricants, or a mixture of the two. Water-based lubricants dry up within 15 minutes while silicon lubricants take hours to dry up. A mixture of the two gives a couple adequate time to have their pleasure. When buying a lubricant, find out what it is made of.

“I am off the lube doctor and the wounds are gone,” said Jane a few weeks after our first encounter. She and her husband had been undergoing sex coaching and had mastered the art of foreplay. Jane was able to lubricate naturally and did not need the “lube” anymore.