“I partied to escape the pain of depression”

Ann Njihia, 32, was tasked with raising a family at 17 when her mother passed on. PHOTO| SONI KANAKE

What you need to know:

  • When I was 22, I got my first child, a girl and four years later I got my second born, a boy.
  • My second phase of depression was marked by postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of my second baby.

Ann Njihia, 32, suffered through three phases of depression before finding her path. She shares her story with Soni Kanake.

"My name is Ann Njihia. I lost my mother when I was 17 and I was tasked with the responsibility of 'holding my father and I together and raising my younger brother'.

At the same time, I was struggling with my identity. I was trying to be a normal teenage girl who couldn't even be honest enough to admit that she was struggling.

"By the time I was 18, I had slipped into depression. This was the first of three phases of depression I later suffered from. I attribute this to the fact that everyone I reached out to after my mum's death turned their backs on me.

I remember calling Mum's friend who told me she would call me back... I'm still waiting for the phone call 15 years later. The feeling of despair and hopelessness pushed me into my first phase of depression.

"When I was 22, I got my first child, a girl and four years later I got my second born, a boy. My second phase of depression was marked by postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of my second baby.

My partner and I were in a long distance relationship so he wasn’t present to offer assistance. I didn't have friends or family and I had a four-year-old who couldn't understand why I was focusing all my attention on her little brother.

By the second week of delivery, the house-help I had left. When my son was four months old, I learnt that my partner was cheating on me and had even moved in with a lady in the country where he was living. I confronted him about it. He was nonchalant.

My feelings of inadequacy and failure further compounded my situation and my PPD grew into full blown depression. I survived this stage on anti-depressants which never quite healed me. Then I decided to hit the party scene. I used to party like a rock star in my 20s.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

"My third phase of depression was when my toxic relationship finally broke down. While it should have been a relief for me, it was the opposite.

I had been conditioned to believe that I was worthless and unattractive and that no one would like me, let alone love me. On the other hand, I was struggling in business.

I was in the ‘matatu’ (public service vehicle) industry then which was extremely challenging. Once again my feelings of rejection, inadequacy and failing at my business led me into depression. This time round I knew I wasn't taking pills again. I sought solace in alcohol and for a huge part of 2016, if I wasn't nursing a hangover, I was in the bar drinking. I neglected my children although I had a very mature house-help who stepped in during my dark days. She became a mother to my children and I still thank God for her.

“About a month into the matatu business, I realised the workforce was out to frustrate me. They would abscond duty or not bank the day’s collection.

One morning, when the driver failed to report to work and I could not get a replacement for him, I challenged myself to drive the matatu. My initial plan was to get a replacement in between the trips. Thankfully, I was dressed in blue jeans and a blue shirt and my driver's license has the ‘Class A’ endorsement. I set off to work. I completed the first trip and still didn't get a driver to relieve me of the task and I ended up being on the road that whole day… and for the next three months. I got a driver who I alternated with.

“When I wasn't driving, I was the conductor. I enjoyed my time driving and I earned my respect from all the matatu crews plying my route. A few underhand dealings and outright frustration from some officials of the ‘Sacco’ and constant police harassment made me exit the industry. The return on investment was next to zero. It ate into a tyre business I had engaged in and it became too toxic for my health and in January 2017, I jumped ship.

 "Every time I drank I felt very empty and I knew I needed to confront my feelings. One night, after a drinking spree with some colleagues, I lost a phone memory stick that I really cherished. I beat up a random guy who I suspected of stealing it.

That was my lowest moment and also my turning point because I realised I was losing control of myself. My resolution was joining a life-changing programme dubbed, 'My Life Journey' by Dr Kinyanjui Ng’ang’a. It helped me to navigate around my life. It also helped me tap into my God-given purpose, which is to reach out to people who share my struggles. My journey was meant to be exactly as it was, so I could act as a beacon of hope to those who need it the most.

"Back in 2013, I had formulated a youth mentorship programme that I named, 'Bridging the Gap Initiative’ that didn't kick off because I was still struggling with depression. During ‘My Life Journey’ programme, I realised that many struggle without a shoulder to lean on and my 2013 idea came back to life. I am currently in the registration stage and as I await the documents, I have been actively engaging in facilitating youth empowerment workshops.

The most recent and the biggest I have ever facilitated was last month at the Holy Family Catholic Church, Githunguri, where we had 100 youth.”