Does solo sex have a place in relationships?

What would you do if you found out that your partner masturbates regularly behind your back? Would you feel betrayed and sexually unwanted? Well, many people consider masturbation in a relationship setting wrong and unnecessary. Why would you need to when you have a partner you should be intimate with? However, masturbation remains one of the most unspoken but common occurrences in relationships. According to David Ley, the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, some of the reasons why people in relationships opt to engage in solo sex include desire for sexual pleasure and sexual fulfillment, stress release, and the desire to experience private and self-focused sensations without the distraction of a partner. According to research conducted by the University of Indiana, men masturbate more than women, and in certain instances, will masturbate almost twice as much as women. Nonetheless, with the advent of sexual liberation and accessories, more women are finding ways of meeting their solo sexual desires.

When masturbation kicks in, pornography follows. “In most cases, masturbation will involve sexual fantasies which are supported by pornographic displays,” says Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru.

In most cases, masturbation in relationships is tied to sexual discontentment rather than sexual frequency. According to Ley, this means that even if a couple increased the frequency of their sexual encounters, masturbation would not necessarily stop. “Instead, a partner will masturbate more when he or she feels unsatisfied in a bid to meet needs other than just frequency of orgasms,” he says. In many instances of solo sex, a masturbating partner might find themselves increasing the frequency and intervals of their sexual actions in a bid to increase their level of satisfaction. “Masturbation tends to catch one in a web where they feel the need to increase its frequency in order to achieve satisfaction,” writes Philip Kitoto, a Nairobi-based counselor and author of The Marriage Dance.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

There are instances where masturbation can provide benefits to the relationship. A man suffering from premature ejaculation can use it to remedy his shortcomings. According to Michael Castleman, the author of Great Sex, masturbation can be used to build control over ejaculatory reflexes. “Masturbation is a fundamental part of the treatment for problems such as premature ejaculation in men, and arousal and orgasm difficulties in women,” he says, adding that masturbation is one of the ways that many people in relationships learn or discover what turns them on. “Partner sex does not replace masturbation. Rather, masturbation and partner sex become complementary,” says Castleman.

Nonetheless, Castleman notes that masturbation may end up causing more harm than good, especially where each partner in the relationship attaches an opposing meaning to it. For example, in a relationship or marriage, the man may view masturbation as a form of relaxation or enjoyment while the woman may view it as a form of infidelity. “Frequent masturbation may also end up plummeting one partner’s interest in partner sex,” he says, adding that in cases where one partner is overly excited about engaging in solo sex than partner sex, the couple should consider going for sex therapy to nip their sexual incompatibility in the bud.