After five years of dating, he has not proposed

Hi Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship for about five years now. I trusted my boyfriend so much that I did not have any issues with his having female friends. Similarly, he had no issues with my having male friends. When he joined a school of accounting, I supported him financially. But then, he got extremely close to one of his female friends that he strayed. I knew something was amiss but waited for him to end it and confess to me. But it ended only after I intervened, and he even denied having strayed. Sometime afterwards, we had a huge argument. I raised the issue and he finally confessed. I forgave him because that is all I wanted to hear.

But what has changed is that he spends all his time on his phone. Sometimes I think he takes me for granted because he barely contacts me. It hurts to see him on his phone when he doesn’t bother to contact me. We have discussed this several times, to no avail.

Our fifth anniversary together was on March 22, but he didn’t even remember it. When we talk, he listens very carefully but his actions are completely different. I asked him about our future and he said we will get married, but that seems unlikely. I think he says things to make me feel good. We stopped going out a year after we began dating which, to me, is cause for concern. I have raised the issue but he never gives me a satisfactory answer. I don’t want to nag him but I think one date a month is necessary for us to bond.  

My worry is that he has not mentioned anything about us getting engaged. Besides, he has not met anyone from my family apart from my brother, who just happened to be in town, while I have met most of his close relatives. 

Is this man serious or is he taking me for a ride?

Hi,

Your story has several issues that need resolution. Although there is no relationship without issues, certain issues need to go away as the relationship matures. You say he forgot your fifth anniversary together. The issue here is not that he forgot, but rather, how much the two of you have grown.

I feel your relationship has stalled. Agreement on where the relationship is headed is a key issue. He cannot continue tagging you along. You could end up grappling in the dark and be a very disappointed woman.

The way the two of you communicate on key issues is also worrying. He cannot be listening keenly and then end up not acting according to what is expected. Effective communication must be both fulfilling and rewarding by pointing people in the desired direction. When you listen, you must be able to pick the other person’s empathy, feelings, disappointments, and anxieties, so that, eventually, there is some level of fulfilment in the relationship.

I suggest that the two of you determine what you mean to each other; be open and fully disclose what future you see in this relationship, and finally, agree on the values you will live by. It seems that you are just drifting along with no clear aim. It is your right to demand answers.

By this I don’t mean that you should force yourself on him or direct things in a particular way. No, my desire here is to help you deal with the anxieties because you are in a relationship that lacks full disclosure. Without spending time together and communicating effectively, the intimacy between you will die. I suggest that you be careful and decide not to walk in the dark. Both time and people are precious. Don’t waste your time in a relationship that is not satisfying you.

My wife changed after I took her to college

Hi Kitoto,

I am in my early forties. I married my wife when she was 19 and I was in college. She was very humble and understanding. We are blessed with four kids. I took her to college and she is now employed. The problem is that after she joined college, rumours started doing the rounds that she was having affairs but I ignored them. However, immediately after she got a job, I noticed a change in her behaviour, which also confirmed the rumours. I downloaded her M-Pesa statement and could not believe my eyes. When I confronted her, she said men had been sending her money to entice her but I didn’t believe her.

Now when I think of my wife sleeping with other men, I get put off sexually. Do I kick her out and what will our kids think of me? But then again, I have invested so much in her. She does not help me financially. What should I do? 

Hi,

I sympathise with you. A marriage with four children has quiet some history to it. It is understandable that you are worried about your children, given the direction your marriage is taking. From your account, it seems your wife has a flaw in her character. I am glad that you confronted her about the money she received from her male friends. However, the real challenge is her inability to come clean on the issues you have raised.

First, men cannot just deposit money in her account without her consent. However, this is an issue that requires full disclosure, particularly where the source of the money is suspect. If she refuses to tell you who is sending her money, you cannot force her to do it. Disclosure is meaningful and productive only when it is done voluntarily.

But you need to be close to your children and offer them emotional and moral guidance. You cannot rule out that someday they will hear the rumours about their mother. If this happens, I pray that you will be their moral compass. Many children from homes with similar problems tend to adopt improper behaviour if not given proper guidance. I pray that you will also continue to be the moral example of the standards you would like espoused by the family. 

The investment we make in others should be more from an attitude of generosity or philanthropic spirit as opposed to being driven by personal gain. Let your attitude be that you saw the need for your wife to get some training and you helped without strings attached. Otherwise you will live to regret why you used so much money to support her, just for her not to support you, or to even leave you.

I suggest that you convince her to see a counsellor together. There is a need to discuss her work style, behaviour, and relationships. In addition, you must discuss the issue of the funds she receives from men during that session. The questions to ask are why she allows these men to send her money, and whether she knows them.

Key to this is the whole issue of your expectations. What is each of you looking for in the relationship?

Bringing some positivity in your marriage

I shared some of these principles a couple of weeks ago. I feel they are key to a couple’s walk when their relationship is facing difficult times. Going through a hard time is difficult for any couple, leave alone managing the daily differences that arise from of their different personalities. Here are some principles that will help when our relationship is facing tough times.

1. Create a positive and conducive home climate for the two of you. Such an environment is also essential for the children.

2. Be deliberate in using affirmation – even in small issues. Appreciation and affirmation have a way of breaking down barriers.

3. Try to avoid blame using language that is accusatory. The purpose of communication should be to make the other person understand your perspective on any given issue.

4. Plant good seeds of affection if you want to harvest the same.

5. Avoid fights and blame when dealing with issues. Learn to be civil, firm and loving when communicating on difficult issues.

6. An environment of unfulfilled needs, combined with unresolved issues, will prevent you from developing positive feelings. In the end, both of you have to be willing to walk the road of humility if this relationship is to bear fruit.

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