Ask questions that will earn you a second date

When building relationships, start with the small stuff since gradually increasing disclosure draws people together. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Open-ended questions usually reveal more.
  • Be 100 per cent truthful and open from the start
  • Don’t even try to hide something important, not even for a few days!

It’s only people like lawyers who’re actually taught how to ask questions. But we all should be, because it’s a hugely important skill. Some people always seem to have the perfect question on the tip of their tongue. But most of us don’t ask nearly enough.

And yet questions can change your life. Like you’re far more likely to get a second date if you ask lots of questions on the first.

So ask lots more! Be interested in the replies, because you’ll make far more friends by being interested in other people than ever you will by trying to get them to be interested in you. Listen hard, and follow up with more thoughtful questions. By the end of the evening your new friend will be telling everyone that you’re one of the most interesting people they’ve ever met!

NEGOTIATION

Open-ended questions usually reveal more. But in a difficult negotiation, or when someone’s keeping their cards close to their chest, well framed yes-no questions work better.

And in tense situations, ask the toughest question first. Because then, your later questions feel less intrusive, and get answered more freely.

But when building relationships, do the opposite! Start with the small stuff. Because gradually increasing disclosure draws people together. So much so that the psychologist Arthur Aron devised a technique based on increasingly personal questions that make strangers fall in love!

You also need to build trust. So be 100 per cent truthful and open from the start. That doesn’t mean telling everything the moment you meet. But you mustn’t wait too long, or it will feel weird when things finally come out.

CONVERSATION

So quickly “broad brush” your relationship history, children and so on — these details can be filled in later.

And don’t even try to hide something important, not even for a few days!

Like for example, if you’re a single mother, slip that into the very first conversation. Something like “it’s that time — I must go and pick up my daughter …”

After that, whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself. Neither getting too far ahead or falling behind. Things like how you spend your time, your interests, attitudes and values.

Tell each other about your parents, siblings and friends — including any skeletons they’re hiding in their cupboards! Own up to anything particularly wild you got up to, however long ago. But lots of detail is unnecessary.

OPPORTUNITIES

Mostly though, people miss opportunities because they’re far too private. Because, as two people gradually exchange personal information, they build a connection.

So don’t get stuck on the news or politics. Instead, exchange a little information around your jobs or whatever, and then start asking lots more questions — and giving more revealing answers. It’s way easier than you think, though it still takes practice to get it all together. So get out there, and build up your skills!

And if you’re interested in Arthur Aron’s technique, you can email me for the details.