MAN IN THE HOOD: Do we have to take off shoes at people’s doors?

Whenever I answer the door and see a visitor bending down to untie their laces, I am usually quick to shout “Ingia tu nazo…hakuna shida. (Just get in with your shoes, there’s no problem).” PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • With the number of shoes I have, I can boast that the chances of me having stinking feet are as minimal as those of an African team going far in the World Cup. 
  • Whenever I answer the door and see a visitor bending down to untie their laces, I am usually quick to shout “Ingia tu nazo…hakuna shida. (Just get in with your shoes, there’s no problem).”
  • One day, I forgot to issue a shoe pass, and I ended up regretting it dearly.
  • As soon as he was seated, odour wafted from the fella’s socks like smoke out of a factory in Industrial Area.

Kenyans tend to share many practices but there’s one which I completely don’t like –asking visitors to take off their shoes. I mean, is it really necessary?

Some think of it as good housekeeping but I find it to be much ado about nothing. What’s the purpose of doormats anyway? 

Shoe removal is an issue that triggers different opinions from different people, like whether it’s okay to be hook up with a friend of your ex or if smokies are better than samosas (Meawww Meawww!!).

Some might ask why I am so against it. Do I tend to have stinking feet? Am I trying to save myself the embarrassment? The answer to all those questions is nay.

I am a sneaker-head and this means that I tend to buy more Jordans and Reeboks than even normal clothes. With the number of shoes I have, I can boast that the chances of me having stinking feet are as minimal as those of an African team going far in the World Cup.   

It’s quite the contrary actually. Rancid feet are part of the reasons I don’t ask people to take off their shoes before entering my house. I’d rather spend two minutes sweeping dust that has been left behind than brave three or more hours of my nostrils getting invaded by the putrid smell of abused and overused footwear.

Whenever I answer the door and see a visitor bending down to untie their laces, I am usually quick to shout “Ingia tu nazo…hakuna shida. (Just get in with your shoes, there’s no problem).”

SMELLY FEET

One day, I forgot to issue a shoe pass, and I ended up regretting it dearly. As soon as he was seated, odour wafted from the fella’s socks like smoke out of a factory in Industrial Area.

I swear I could literally see the smell coming out like smoke. I would describe it as a cross between a wet rag and a full dustbin. Oh, I am so mean, but I am just narrating things as they were. Call it unbiased reporting.

Worse still, Mr. Stinky was not in a hurry to leave. He took his time. He was really enjoying the movie on television while telling me tonnes of stories.

I silently prayed for a miracle but none came. Kenya Power, do something, give us a blackout please! Nothing! The lights shone as brightly as ever. Random slay queen, please show up! Nothing! No lady showed up so that he would be involuntarily forced to leave.

I understand that this will make me lose this specific friend. Sorry Mr. Stinky, but if you can’t keep your feet clean, I do not care about you. You’re no longer welcome in my house, Mr. Stinky

Your feet reminded me of Hydrogen Sulphide, (H2S), one of the most foul-smelling chemicals out there and this in turn reminded me of how I used to fail in chemistry. For this reason, I hate you. You can’t torture my nose and evoke bad memories at the same time. We are done.

Another reason I am advocating for entry with shoes is theft. I’ve had three pairs of shoes stolen in the past after I left them outside the doors of a people I was visiting. I almost got depression.

See? Asking visitors to take off their shows is highly inconsiderate especially if you are aware of your neighbourhood’s theft-rate.    

Even if you live in a safe neighbourhood, there are many other ways a visitor’s shoes can disappear from the door. A hyper-active kid might pick one shoe and go play with it. A dog might do the same. A drunk person might knock them away to three doors away etcetera.

DON'T TAKE THEM OFF

As I mentioned earlier, I have an extremely obsessive relationship with my shoes. Whenever I visit someone and realise that my shoes will be spending sometime outside, all by themselves, my mouth curves a frown. I instantaneously get haunted by unpleasant visions of my favourite pair meandering off into the horizon, never to be traced again.

I do just what Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. says in the record ‘John’ – prepare for the worst but still pray for the best. Dwayne Carter is Lil Wayne by the way. I have an absurd penchant for addressing celebrities by their real names.

When I step outside and find that my shoes are still there, I breathe a sigh of relief.

There are some people who were raised well. They like to offer visitors sandals, after taking off their shoes. It’s a good gesture but which other visitor might have worn those sandals before you? It could have been Mr. Stinky himself. I’ll pass.

Shoe removal is also disadvantageous for not-so-tall people like me. Shoes add some height and when you remove them, you feel like you’ve gone from LeBron James to Kevin Hart in an instant. Not fair! 

Furthermore, being in a house where everyone has been forced to remove their shoes is never a nice experience. If you have a keen eye, you tend to notice all the possible imperfections man can have: cracked toenails, feet that look like an area that has been ravaged by earthquakes, torn socks, scaly skin (these are just the best laid-out scenarios). All these are on show while everyone pretends to have a good time.

Come on, it’s just a home, not a money-minting company from which people might grab and hide coins under their feet. I understand that the outside world is slightly dirtier than your home and you are afraid of all germs and nasties, but a doormat should take care of that right? And if the carpet is more valuable to you than your visitors, why invite them over?

Let’s just abolish this shoe removal culture shall we? Wait! I might have made that sound like a request. It’s not. Let me rephrase it: Abolish this shoe removal culture now! And in true hood lingo, I will add “Na sio tafadhali. (And it’s not a request).”