Do you feel safe enough to express yourself?

Each relationship needs an environment where one feels safe and secure to express their real self. PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • Avoid blame that shuns responsibility.
  • Being overly defensive will create a tense environment.
  • We need to guard our environment and be clear about what is allowable and not.

We need to guard our environment and be clear about what is permissible and what is not in our relationships.

Each relationship needs an environment where one feels safe and secure to express their real self. First, there should be no criticism because it puts one down. For instance, you should never use phrases like, “You are never satisfied,” or “You never do anything right,” when addressing your spouse.

DEROGATORY

When tempted to use such derogatory words, first ask yourself whether you mean it or whether you are fair in your accusation.

It also could be that you’re speaking from past disappointment.

Second, avoid blame that shuns responsibility. For example, when things fail to go the way they should or as planned, some people tend to heap the blame on each other. “It’s your fault,” they will say, self-righteously.

Third, being overly defensive will create a tense environment. You have probably told your spouse, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “I didn’t say that!” This does not solve any problem. It becomes worse when you use judgmental words such as, “You act as though I have no say here,” when the fact is that you actually have a say, but because you’re being emotional, you assume that you are being disrespected.

GARBAGE

A better way would be to put across your misgivings differently. For example, you could say, “I hear you perfectly, however, I see things differently …”

Establish clear principles of association:

This boils down to what you are willing to tolerate in your relationship. And what you are not.

It includes the people you associate with, the places you meet them, their kind of value system and the impact they have on your relationship.

How do they treat each other and how do they talk to each other? I have discovered that when we allow garbage to be thrown into our garden, one day, we will have no garden to talk of.

I say again, we need to guard our environment and be clear about what is allowable and not.

DESIRES

Association should be based on the right convictions and desires. In many cases, couples pair wrongly because they based their relationship on the wrong premise. Some got married because of external pressure, say from friends and family, others from money, a number because they got pregnant. None of these reasons are based on principle, yet they are what draws us many of us to our partners and keeps us committed to them.

Unfortunately, two cannot walk together unless they share common principles.

In addition, I read somewhere that bad company ruins good morals. Show me your friends, they say, and I will tell you who you are.

Build a predictable environment:

Some relationships are so unpredictable, that one or both spouses feel as if they are walking on eggshells, or in extreme cases, live next to a volcano that could erupt anytime. Relationships need to be predictable in some areas.

To achieve this, it demands that a couple establish limits on acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, spelling out freedoms that can be enjoyed within the limits provided. In addition, couples must agree on the consequences that one must bear when one strays from agreed on objectives.

A thriving relationship does not just break down, especially if both of you honoured the promises you made to each other, however, once a relationship starts to break down, a certain predictable sequence of events tends to occur. It starts with distance growing between the couple.

HOSTILITY

Hostility follows fast in the heels of distance and you begin to disagree on issues you would have previously agreed on easily.

Being careful to build a predictable environment where you know how your partner will react in various situations is important.

You cannot afford to remain naive to the feelings of your partners and expect to nurture a safe environment that will support the growth of your relationship.

When a relational environment is governed by values that are not centred on the two of you, you end up treating each other with disrespect and without the care each of you deserves.

Building a predictable environment therefore, must shun the desire to think of yourself as more important than the other person.

BOUNDARIES

When you determine clear boundaries and values, you provide the relationship with a predictable environment where intimacy can grow, accountability can thrive, and responsible behaviour can be practised. Healthy relationships thrive where a couple develops a secure, non-intimidating environment that is essential for a relationship that honours God and your spouse.

Attributes of a safe environment:

It should be free from violence. Do you live in fear of your spouse? Do you feel free to challenge your partner’s decision? In a nutshell, do you feel safe enough to be yourself? If you don’t, then your relationship is on shaky ground.

You must be emotionally safe too. For example, in your relationship, are you free to speak what you really feel and do you express your opinions because you know you will not be judged or do feel like your partner uses intimidation and manipulative language or behaviour to silence you?

An unsafe environment is a prison. Third, a commitment to a culture of honesty helps build trust and faithfulness in the relationship.

The questions to ask are: “Is my partner honest in his words and actions? Can I trust his promises and actions? Is he one person in public and another in private?

POISON

Mistrust is another poison that slowly but surely kills a relationship. If your partner says that he is in such and such a place, do you believe him or do you immediately become suspicious? A relationship that allows compromise and shuns greed and selfishness will thrive.

Tell-tale signs that your relationship is on shaky ground:

Communication begins to fail: Hallmarks of ineffective communication contains phrases such as: “You must…,” “You have to…,” “You had better…,” “If you can’t …” This kind of language is accusatory. It points fingers, it give ultimatums and it orders.

It is negative, and we all know that negativity will ruin your relationship. If you have noticed, such response either elicits no response from your partner, or makes them defensive.

PATIENCE

No desire to put extra effort: Have you reached a point where you feel so discouraged, you are tempted to stop trying because you know it will not bear fruit? There is a level at which patience and endurance fizzles out, however, love should never fail.

None- productive environments can turn around if those involved learn new ways of communicating. You could start by telling each other, “I love you,” regularly, simply because it is lifting. make a habit of being kind towards each other.

Not spending time together:

Working late or staying behind watching TV while your spouse goes to bed are some of the tactics some use to avoid their partners. Unfortunately, avoiding your spouse is only a temporary solution if you can call it a solution because your problem will remain unresolved.

Loss of respect for your partner:

When respect and honour are missing in the way you treat each other, one feels unwanted. Couples should embrace affirming words and behaviour that assure their partner that he or she belongs.