HEART ADVICE: Does my husband still love me?

Q: I am a stay-at-home mother because when I was pregnant with my first born, my husband and I agreed that I should stay at home to raise the kids instead of leaving that to a house help. Things went well the first year, but after that, as more children came along, my husband started losing respect for me and acting distant. He doesn’t leave enough money for our needs and whenever I need something, he doesn’t give me money. He insists that he’ll take me to the supermarket and I pick what is needed then he pays. He rarely talks to me about his life or our family like he used to when we got married. I try to tell him to invest in some projects for the family, but he doesn’t listen to me. He earns a good sum of money (I saw his pay slip by chance one day), but I don’t know what he does with it. I tried a few small businesses but they failed. He knows I have nowhere to go because I don’t have a job and I’m an orphan and an only child and my relatives are unsupportive. I’d really like to save my marriage. We’ve been married for seven years and we have three kids. What should I do?

READERS’ ADVICE

I feel your pain. I know you feel the man is taking advantage of your desperate situation. It would be wise to have a serious discussion with him and let him know your fears. Let him know that you sacrificed your career for the sake of your family. Make him aware that you would love to see your family bonded together in love. Request him to provide for you and your child since he is the only bread winner. You can also request him to re-invest in your career. Assure him that you love him very much and he is the king in your heart. All the best. Calvin Queens, via email.

Dear, I am saddened by your case, please try talking to your hubby. Meanwhile perhaps he has his reasons for doing what he does; we need to hear both sides of the story. For example, maybe he doesn’t trust you with his finances which is why he takes you shopping. Last but not least, I haven’t seen you complaining that you’ve gone days without food, or he hasn’t settled any bills. Relax and keep talking to him, and I am sure he’ll change. Vivian Aluse, via email. 

Get this my daughters, sisters and Kenyan women in general: your education and job is basically for the welfare of yourself, your nuclear family and other people who are close to you and you care about. When deciding to resign due to pressure from family, ask yourself what the significant others (parents, siblings) will do for financial aid. Better two source of income than one. I don’t advocate for women to be stay at home wives unless their hubby has a side business which they can join after nursing the kids, and earn a salary from. Waweru Maina, via Facebook

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

I believe you have years of disconnect between you and your husband. Based on your story, your husband has more or less made you a prisoner in your own home. His insufficient financial provision is one of a man who feels overburdened, and his sense of obligation drives him to set these unrealistic rules that govern your home. It is time you sat down with him and asked him if he is still in the marriage and still in love with you. Is he still motivated to be your husband and father to your children? If indeed he wants this marriage to work, he needs to reconnect with you, and that vital communication between you needs to be revived so that you can run your home together.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Q: I have been single for a very long time, and I recently met this man that I really like. We have been dating for six months. I feel like he heaven-sent. He treats me very well, and I have never had reason to believe that he is cheating on me. He is five years older than I am and he runs his own business, an automobiles spare parts one. The other day he asked me for a loan of Sh50,000. He says he has money on paper but people are not paying their debts so he is cash-strapped. I am wary of men who ask for money, and I usually never give it to them, but he has been so good to me that I don’t think I can say no. What should I do? Should I trust him and lend him this cash, or should I just ask him to find another way to sort it out and please leave me out of his business? I am confused.