He loves me and is faithful but is a total bore -do I leave him or stay?

Hi Kitoto,
I am 27 and looking forward to marriage. I have been drawn to this 29-year-old aggressive, intelligent, faithful and loving man whom I have dated for the last three years. I know he loves me, is caring and faithful, but he is so boring – he prefers to stay indoors throughout. As a result, I have been unable to fall in love and commit to him for the three years we have been together. He confesses that he loves me and does not want me to leave him. What will happen if I get married and then meet an adventurous man who will sweep me off my feet? Please help make the right decision for I wish to have a happy marriage.

Hi there,

It seems that you got a good man but wish he could become someone else. Here’s my question: is that which is missing in him enough to make being married to him intolerable? You say that he is loving, caring and faithful. This is a big deal. Although values such as intelligence and aggressiveness are wonderful, a caring and committed man surpasses them all. We all have different personalities, and it is important to appreciate these differences.

Marriage demands that couples draw from each other’s strengths and uniqueness. If you are social and adventurous, and he is introverted and laid back, you can still co-exist and be happy together.

It would be unfair to expect him to change his personality. Valuing your partner’s strengths will help you view his weaknesses with grace - I am sure you have weaknesses that he has quietly put up with during the three years you have been together.

The fact is that we never get 100 per cent of what we are looking for. When a couple truly cares for, and is faithful to each other, they are most likely going to be able to overcome the fears that emanate from personality differences. Again, ask yourself whether his lack of adventure is so core and critical to you. Please, don’t let yourself be confused by an illusion.

But if adventure is really important to you, why not create it and include him in it? What are the things you can begin to do together that will slowly create this excitement that you are looking for in the relationship? I suggest that you list all the qualities, good and bad, in this man.

Make an honest evaluation based on what is core to you. What is it that you would not want to compromise on? To start you off, faithfulness is key.

I am an American woman, looking for an African man

Hello,
I am a 40-year-old American woman looking for an African husband. I totally love the culture and everything that the continent has to offer. I currently live in the United States. I work for an international transportation company and have a son. Are there any good, respectable sites I can go to initiate friendship? I do have photos that I can send you.

Hi,

As one person put it, love will travel as far as you let it. No separation, including oceans, can stop love. While encouraging you to do all it takes to find it, I need to state that this column is not a match-making site. In a nutshell, what we do is talk about challenges in dating, courtship, and marriage and how to overcome them to nurture a thriving relationship.

That said, there are many online dating sites which have worked for some. I, for instance, know a Kenya woman that met her husband, a Briton, through a dating site several years ago. They are still happily married 15 years later. So yes, go ahead and try some out. I will not recommend a site though, since I would not be sure of its authenticity.

I, however, feel compelled to offer you some advice. Should you manage to get your African man, make an effort to learn as much as you can about his culture and way of life because cross-cultural marriages have their own challenges, even though surmountable.

You say that you have a child – what will be his place in the relationship? How is your relationship likely to affect his growth? Will the relationship be good for him? I suggest that you learn as much as you can and prepared for the shock that the picture you may have now about African men may not be the real one. I wish you luck.

I don’t love her, but she would sacrifice everything for me – do I marry her?

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I am 23 years old while my girlfriend is 24. My brother insists that I move in with her, but the fact that she is a year older than me worries me. She is also a single parent of one. Our religions are also different. To be sincere though, I actually don't love her though she is ready to sacrifice everything for me.

Hi,

You admit you don’t love this woman. A marriage can only last if the couple care about each other. And no, your brother cannot decide for you who to marry. You need to be aware of the following factors as you think through this issue:
Are you ready to become a father? She has a son, so should you move in together, you will not only play the role of husband, but father too. Are you ready for this? Worth noting is that her having a child bothers you.
Place of relatives in your relationship: Your brother seems to have quite a say on your relationship. I may not be privy to the reasons behind his advice, but as much as it may be helpful, you should not allow him to dictate your future since he will not help you shoulder the responsibilities that come with the decision you make. Marry the right person at the right time.

Prejudices and social attitudes: What I find strange is that this woman is your girlfriend yet you say that you don’t love her. Aren’t you wasting her time? I suggest that you come to terms with the fact that you are not ready to marry her and free her. Don’t waste her time.

Religion: Having a spouse whose religion is different from yours can be challenging and stressful. Religion plays a pivotal role in relationships because it influences a couple of factors, including values, mannerisms, and behaviour. While you may feel the desire to be supportive of each other’s faiths, the spiritual environment determines expectations in parenting, the way we socialise, even what we eat.
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