KITOTO: How do I rescue my mum from marital abuse?

Hi,
I am a woman in my late 20s and the last-born in a family of six. My father and mother are in their sixties. We have all moved out of the family home and left my parents in their empty nest.

For as long as I can remember, my parents’ marriage has been abusive. My mother has endured over forty years of abuse from my father. It has ranged from physical to verbal, emotional and psychological.

As they got older, the physical abuse stopped and now it is just the other forms of abuse. As a result of being in this toxic marriage, my mother’s self-confidence has been greatly affected. She has raised us alone because my father one day quit his job and has never worked again.

I’ve witnessed instances of my mother being unable to express herself in very simple situations, shying away from things because she does not believe in herself, being manipulated and just being this shell of a woman with no life. She has no friends and no interests.

We even started a business for her, but my father took it away. She recently retired and she now just stays at home taking care of the house — doing dishes, cooking, washing. I don’t know why she chooses to stay in this abusive marriage.

It’s like she is defeated or feels too worthless to deserve anything better. Recently, she found out that my father is still cheating on her as he has done over the course of their marriage. As you can imagine, this is not only hurting but humiliating to her as well.

I fear that this marriage will take a toll on her mental health especially since she has no other distractions in her life. I am fearing for the worst and need suggestions on how to help her. Please note that my mother is already on long-term medication for a stress-related condition. Can my mother be helped? How? Please help me before we run out of time. Disturbed daughter

Hallo,

As we mentioned in this column in the past, abuse is common, but few are gathering the courage to confront it productively. Many have confronted abuse, but in the end, it has left them wounded.

There are several issues here that you are struggling with that I will attempt to bring out. First, your mother’s abusive marriage has lasted a long time. Your worry is the extent of damage this has been on her esteem, productivity and emotional health.

Truth be told, abuse of whatever kind is unhealthy and unwarranted in any relationship. The impact of abuse, according to many relational experts, can be long lasting.

Since in many places society or certain cultures seem to normalise certain unhealthy behaviours, a number of people may tend to see their relationship as not being abusive. There are still some cultures that view wife-beating as some form of needed discipline. This normalisation has kept many in fear and unwillingness to deal with abuse.

In addition, growing up in an abusive home could make one hate abuse or learn to tolerate. In other instances, an abused person may have the fear seeing it impossible to start fresh.

Attachment to children and resources could keep others in the trap. In most cases, those who remain in such abusive relationships do so live in a lie that creates this feeling that things might change. This becomes worse where close friends instil fear that keeps the abused person feeling helpless.

LACK HELP

According to a 2017 article by Eric Winston, the sad part for the abuse victims is that they lack someone to help them through such difficult periods. Others do not even know where to begin looking for help. Hence, most victims not only fail to get justice, but also lack moral, financial and emotional support. Like your mum, many have decided to live with this kind of pain for the rest of their life, notes Winston.

Abuse survivors face challenging effects of that abuse and can take time to adjust especially when it has been ongoing over an extended period of time. Although it is hard to tell why your mother kept at the marriage in which she faced regular abuse, looking for opportunities for her to deal with this abuse is key.

From the beginning, her refusal to accept that she was in an abusive marriage and therefore needed help allowed this to happened. It is, therefore, hard to force change in her.

Depending on the healing process your mother will accept to take, it will help develop inner strength, which is key to helping her overcome her inner fears. You may need to understand that healing will take time.

Second, this abuse has negatively affected you. I suggest that you also seek some help from a professional counsellor. It is only when you are sober that you will be able to walk with your mother towards her healing.

It is clear that you are deeply wounded on behalf of your mother. As you seek to walk this road for yourself, chances are that the two of you may have a lot to share. I suggest that you:

Develop a clear and safe plan for helping your mother move towards seeking help.

Look for accountability. Seek out the right kind of support system that your mother will trust so that she can be willing to talk.

Confront abuse positively. Since family is supposed to provide a safe environment where members can be themselves, care needs to be taken to avoid the feeling of betrayal.

Build her self-esteem. Helping your mother deal with her fears and rebuild her self-worth will help her gain the much needed inner strength to move forward.

Be open to getting help. Look for ways to encourage your mother that talking to someone who can help her process all she has been through is good for her emotional health.

However, do not be surprised if your mother sees no reason of talking to a counsellor or therapist. In that case, it might be easier to talk to a spiritual leader.

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There is power in setting boundaries

Henry Cloud, an author and family expert notes that a boundary helps to show where certain actions start and others end. In essence, practicing good boundaries will help an individual or couple keep the good in and throw away the bad.

In relationships, he notes, the word “no” is great in setting boundaries. Every couple should be aware of the consequences when one of them crosses the set boundaries.

Good boundaries help avoid abuse, control, and manipulating relationships. As such, a person’s value system is key in setting, respecting and managing boundaries. When one person fails to take responsibility for the infringement on the set boundary, it is a sign that the relationship is headed towards experiences that will bring pain.

Resolving boundaries issue is what every couple should be concerned about. Within the boundaries exist safety and freedom.

According to Cloud, ways to do this include: ability to identify areas of discomfort; identify boundary violation areas that cause the discomfort; identify bottlenecks that make it difficult to set boundaries; set a positive and safe environment where boundaries can be practised; and the need to practice freedom with responsibility within the boundaries.

In short, a safe environment where set boundaries are practised is the bedrock for thriving relationships. Spouses can only be held accountable for what is set and jointly agreed upon.