How to catch a liar in the act

From ‘I love you’ to ‘she’s just a friend’, men have lied their way into and out of relationships for millennia. Soni Kanake talks to men and women who reveal some of these lies as we explore what women need to stop accommodating this year.

Lying is not a reserve of either gender. “However, men generally lie more than women,” says Barnabas Achoki, a relationship coach who has been counselling couples for over a decade.  “Men have learned what makes a woman happy and they will try to keep that balance at all costs,” he says. While most people tell little white lies as a matter of course, there’s a growing crop of men who have graduated from this to becoming habitual liars.

But why do men lie? According to coach, Achoki, appearance is everything. “He will lie about his status, his job or his income if there’s a chance he will be perceived as a successful person by the woman he desires,” he says. “A man defines success by what he drives, does and dwells,” says Achoki. Also, men cheat because of the fear of losing a woman, fear of rejection and to get a woman into bed, he says. “Yes, the end goal for all these lies is to get you between the sheets,” says Achoki. “After the conquest, you’ll start hearing the infamous, ‘I’ll call you later’, line,” he warns. We talked to some men and women and bring you some of the most common lies men tell women.

“She’s just my baby mama”

Sandra, a marketer, remembers the first time she met her baby daddy. “When I met Alex, a contractor, he said he had a child from a previous relationship,” she says. Alex convinced Sandra that they were not romantically involved and he was only co-parenting with his baby mama. “Those around me kept telling me that Alex was fooling me but I guess I was too blinded by my love for him,” she confesses. Incidentally, Alex always had a reason to spend time with his baby mama claiming his child needed him or they had a business to run. “I remember he would hit the roof any time I asked about their relationship,” she remembers.

Eventually Sandra conceived and gave birth to their daughter. Alex had never quite committed to Sandra but had managed to put up a show to his family and friends that she was ‘his wife’. Those close to him knew about his first baby mama but they regarded Sandra as his wife. As fate would have it, Alex later left Sandra and went back to his first baby mama. “In hindsight, I now know that my friends were right about Alex taking me for a ride,” says Sandra. “All along he was seeing his other woman behind my back and he totally made a fool of me. To him, I was a side dish,” she says.

In such situations, “he lies because he wants to be polite to you and does not want it to be obvious that you are his spare part,” says Achoki. “We cannot face ourselves to break your heart and as much as he knows you are his fallback plan he will not throw it in your face,” says Achoki.

“I’m with her only because of the children”

This is one of those classified as the married man lies or committed guy lies. Unfortunately, women fall for them every day. “Some unscrupulous married men will use this line as bait to keep the woman hopeful,” says Achoki. “What surprises me is that women (still) buy this line.”

“I know it’s been six years but of course I will marry you!”

Shiko*, a HR practitioner, says that a man will tell you anything to ensure you hang around. He will call you ‘wifey’ and make you think you have a future while it’s actually a ploy to keep you around. In real sense, the guy isn’t even ready for marriage, she says. “Why would I want to buy the cow when I can get free milk?” poses Steve. Often times, a guy is 90 per cent sure whether he can wife you by your first year of dating,” confesses Steve. Relationship coach Achoki advises women to be wary of men who date them with no future plans. “Infatuation lasts between three to six months after meeting and then reality checks in,” he says. “Ideally, within six months to two years, most men know if they will settle down with a woman,” says Achoki. Often times he will keep tagging you along as he looks for a better upgrade, he says.

“Yes, I went out with her but nothing happened.”

This one is closely related to, ‘she’s just a colleague’ or ‘she is my best friend and we are purely platonic’. “Most probably he hasn’t found his ideal partner but doesn’t yet want to lose you until he is sure,” offers Achoki. “In his books you fit 60 per cent of his expectations of a wife so he is still looking for the other 40 per cent out there,” he says.

“Baby, you are the first woman I’ve done this with.”

When a man wants to get into a woman’s pants, he will try to make her feel special. Thus this lie which is, in all probability, not true.

“I don’t watch porn.”

Other lies in this class are, ‘Baby, I do not use women’ or ‘I have only had three sexual partners’. Shiko says that a man will say anything for the sake of peace or to avoid fielding uncomfortable (for him) questions, an observation Achoki agrees with. “Men don’t like complicated scenarios and if confessing the truth will antagonise the relationship, he would rather play safe,” says Achoki. “And especially if it is something that he knows you do not like or that can jeopardise the relationship, he will not admit to doing it,” he says.

“I will call you tomorrow.”

Other lies in this class include, ‘I don’t know why she keeps calling or texting me’, ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’. When a man tells you he will call you tomorrow, he just wants to get rid of you, says Shiko. Steve says that a man will tell you he misses you when all he wants is to get intimate with you. “It may sound ironical, but men do not want to hurt the women in their lives,” confesses Achoki. Such lies ensures that he keeps you on the periphery while keeping it civil, he says.

“My position at work doesn’t allow me to live on the wrong side of Uhuru Highway.”

“If I’m a court clerk earning about Sh15,000 and I meet a woman I want in a club, chances are I will tell her I’m an advocate to impress her,” reveals Ben, a court clerk. “I will then go ahead to buy her a Sh5,000 drink that will leave me in debt.” Ben says that most women want a man of means, which has resulted in men lying to get their way with the women. “A man wants to appear as a success before his peers and women,” says Achoki. For this reason he will lie. If he is married and struggling financially, he will cover it from his woman, not because he doesn’t love her, but because he doesn’t want her to worry.

“Baby, I’m not in a hurry.”

“A man will make you believe that he is not in a hurry to get intimate and even make you believe your relationship is headed to the altar,” says Anna. “In essence, marriage is the last thing on his mind. He is with you for the horizontal benefits he gets from you,” she says. Achoki says that this is always the end goal in a lying man’s mind. Such a man is always testing the waters to see how far he can push the boundaries. If he could, he would sleep with you on day one.

“This weekend we are taking Bryan to meet his in laws.”

See also, ‘I’ll be meeting a business partner in the evening after work’, ‘I am spending the weekend with the boys’ or ‘My boss is out of the country and I have to represent him in an out of town workshop’. As much as these scenarios could be true, when they arise suddenly and frequently, there might be need to check out how legit they are. “It is one of two options: he could either be genuinely hanging out with his boys or he has a side dish,” says Achoki. “If a man knows the answer to a certain scenario, he will preempt it as he does not want to upset his woman,” he says.

“Baby I’m just winding up on my drink.”

“To avoid complications, I will tell her that I’m on my last drink and will be leaving shortly,” says Ben. If a man’s wife or girlfriend calls him while he’s having fun with his boys, chances are he will not leave immediately as he does not want to be perceived as ‘sat on’ by his boys, explains Achoki.

“I was top in my class.”

No man wants to appear anything less of intelligent or classy before a woman. “After all, isn’t intelligence always up there on your ideal man’s list?” poses Ben.