How we handled delicate visa application to Britain

The trip the London, which many enemies of development said would not happen, is slowly taking shape. ILLUSTRATION | J. NYAGAH | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • The trip the London, which many enemies of development said would not happen, is slowly taking shape.
  • Hitler got a passport, but trouble came when he was applying for a visa.

Ferrying seven village folks from Mwisho wa Lami to Nairobi, taking care of them while there, and safely returning them to the village is not an easy task. But I did it. And like the Nigerian lizard that jumped from the high iroko tree praised itself when no one acknowledged it, I hereby sent myself a congratulations success card for accomplishing the great feat.

The trip the London, which many enemies of development said would not happen, is slowly taking shape.

PASSPORT

Once news filtered in about the trip, almost everyone in Mwisho wa Lami who considers himself or herself someone wanted to make the trip. I was initially afraid that there would be so many people, but Pius told me not to worry, the difficult passport application process and stringent visa requirements would drop some people along the way.

And he was right; Alphayo did not even apply for a passport, because he does not have an identity card, never had one.

Hitler got a passport, but trouble came when he was applying for a visa. There were two questions he could not honestly answer without courting trouble. One was about the size of land he owned, which he feared was a trap given that he conned his siblings out of their land.

The second was about his source of income — he certainly was not going to admit that he was a chang’aa brewer.

TRADERS

So the team that got passports and were invited for visa interviews were Rasto; Nyayo, Mwisho wa Lami’s jack of all trades together with his wife Anindo. We tried convincing Anindo to drop off unsuccessfully. Ali, my mechanic, had also managed to get a passport and was on the trip.

There was also Apostle Elkana, the Revered Spiritual Superintendent of THOAG (The Holiest Of All Ghosts) Tabernacle Assembly. And Yours Truly accompanied by the laugh of his envious life, Fiolina.

My attempts to convince Fiolina to drop out were unsuccessful, as she insisted that the trip would serve as our “hornymoon”.

To close the list was Mrs Kandia, the principal of St Theresa’s Girls Secondary School who Pius had added on the list.

That meant that Bensouda was dropped. Mr Kandie, however, had travelled to Nairobi earlier, as her husband works in the city.

ONE NIGHT

Pius was coordinating everything from Nairobi, while I was in charge of delivering the folks to Nairobi, and returning them home.

We were all at the bus stage early Tuesday morning, waiting for a Nairobi-bound “Msamaria Mwema”. All except Nyayo, who missed the bus by a whisker. Ali had come with a huge bag that surprised everyone since we were going to Nairobi just for one night. We shared seats with Fiolina, and we briefly quarrelled when she asked to take the window seat.

But I overruled her, so as to see all that was happening. “Utanipea tu hiyo kitu mwenyewe,” is all that she said.

The first stop was in Kisumu for fuelling. As the bus fuelled, several hawkers came in to sell different things. I don’t know who had given Fiolina money, but she kept buying everything that came: roast maize, boiled maize, chapati, soda, groundnuts, name it. She also did the same in Kericho. Trouble began after Kericho.

VOMITING

She started vomiting. At first, she would vomit in a small paper bag she had carried. It became too smelly and I had to relinquish the window seat to allow her to vomit outside easily. The vomiting did not stop her from buying more boiled maize, boiled eggs, samosas, chips and soda in Nakuru. After Naivasha, she only bought Eno from the hawker, as she was so full she had difficulty breathing.

We alighted at Kangemi, Nairobi, where Pius was waiting for us and took us to some hotel to spend the night. Only Ali did not alight, as he said he had an errand to run in town then would come back. You will remember that it is in Kangemi that I met Xtash some weeks ago and did whatever I did. I was careful in my movements as I feared we could meet.

Pius was at the hotel very early Wednesday morning as he wanted to confirm that all our papers were in order: identity cards, birth certificates, payslips, bank statements, land title deeds, invitation letter from Smiffy and Hempstone, among others. As you would expect, some people had forgotten some documents. Pius was upset but told everyone not to worry as he and I would answer all questions.

BREXIT

As the matatu took us from Kangemi to Westlands — in heavy traffic — I used the time to read more about UK. I now knew about Brexit, Theresa May, Prince Harry, Meghan Markel, Archie Harrison, Boris Johnson, among other UK matters. There was no way I would fail that interview. Ali had not appeared and was not picking calls. He later texted me to say he was fine.

At Westlands, we walked to some building and took a lift. Except Rasto and Anindo, who feared the lift and used the staircase.

Our first blow was when we were all asked to leave our phones behind. The second surprise was that, instead of us being put in one room together for the interviews, everyone went to their box.

And thirdly, they never asked the questions I had prepared for. They just took every document I had, photocopied them, returned the originals to me; and merely asked me what I was going to do in London.

FINGERPRINTS

We were then herded to another room where our photographs and fingerprints were taken. Then we all went to town, where Mrs Kandia bought us lunch — chips and quarter chicken each. During lunch, everyone talked about their experience.

“I am sure they will give me the visa,” said Rasto. “When they asked me if I would return, I told them I had no plans of returning, and they were happy to hear this.” Fiolina, who had forgotten some documents, reported that she asked them to ask me any question they had, as she couldn’t even say what was taking her to UK.

Apostle Elkana announced how he had argued with the attendant after he insisted that he was going to America. No one could convince him that London was not in America.

BUS FARE

After lunch, we took a walk before going to the bus stage to take Western Coach to return us home. We would later learn that Ali had always wanted to travel to Nairobi but didn’t have enough bus fare, so he had used that opportunity to join his brother in Kawangware.

As we drove home, I was busy thinking about London, even as we awaited the verdict about our visa applications, which we were told would come within two weeks.

Based on the things we had heard during lunch, our plan (with Pius) was working well: only a few of us would get visas! I won’t name those I want to be denied visas.