That man’s wife is the one cheating

Dear Kitoto,

I thank you for the advice you recently gave to the man that had been accused of infidelity by his wife. He wrote that despite his efforts to convince his wife that he was faithful to her, she wouldn’t listen, something that really pained him. When I read that man’s email, my feeling was that it was the man’s wife that was cheating on him. I would advise this man to investigate his wife. In some cases, some spouses make false accusations to hide their own sins. I believe this is the strategy this poor man’s wife has taken.

AMM, Mombasa 

Hell AMM,

A very interesting perspective indeed. It is true that some people create chaos in their relationships because it gives them freedom and space to do whatever they want; they keep the other person focused on the unnecessary conflict or confusion while they fool around.

Unfortunately, a relationship can never thrive in chaos, and so, most probably, the person inventing these chaos does not care for the relationship.

Should he investigate her? That is up to him, but I would advise him to determine what he will gain from what he discovers.


Suspicion and mistrust in a relationship can cause great pain, therefore, I would advise a couple in such a situation to look for ways to manage the conflict rather go on the offensive.

Three issues are key for a vibrant and healthy marriage:

1. Disclosure that is unhindered by inhibitions of fear, manipulation or coercion;

2. Responsible behaviour and accountability for one’s actions;

3. Agreement: This is the oil that every healthy relationship needs.

In fact, it is okay to agree to disagree. No one expects you to be 100 per cent in agreement.

I recently read somewhere that as long as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone - I believe this includes those we don’t trust or are not in agreement with.

I need help but I am afraid to share my problem

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I am a great fan of your column and appreciate the effort you make to help people with relationship problems. I have a problem that has been nagging me for a while now, and feel it is time that I get some advice to help me resolve it. My worry however, is that though I urgently need help, I feel that publishing my predicament is not right. How do I go about this?


Hi D,
There are people who share their problems with me via email and request anonymity.

In this case, we may publish the issue and use a fictitious name.

Our desire is that others may learn from the experiences of others.


As you have pointed out, many have benefitted from this column.

My take is that if you desire help, then you must overcome the enemy of fear – the first thing that couples who come to me for counselling have to get out of the way is fear, otherwise nothing will be achieved.

Once you overcome fear, you are able to open up your hurt and freely speak about what may be giving you sleepless nights.


I advise that you identify why you feel apprehensive and ask yourself what is the worst that could possibly happen if you let forth your hurt.

The truth is, a wound that is regularly undressed, cleaned and dressed again will keep infection at bay and heal faster.

Should you choose to share your problem, we will leave your name out.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

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