In Summary
  • Forgiveness must be followed by a commitment to live differently to avoid another cycle of hurt and pain.

  • As for your husband, he must commit to a lifestyle that assures, affirms and testifies to the confession and change that he has committed to.

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I’ve been a keen reader of your column. Today, allow me to pour out my heart to you. My once loving husband confessed to cheating on me a few years ago. Since then, the two of us have been unhappy. On his side, guilt has consumed him while anger and bitterness has been eating me up. We have tried, on various occasions, to talk about this matter; but each time we found ourselves where it all started. We cannot seem to find a solution. Now his guilt has become hatred, which he has also extended to our children. We try as much as possible to keep our discord to ourselves so those around us believe that we are a perfect couple because they do not know what we are going through. Our sex life has also been greatly affected especially because I don’t desire him anymore. We have been married for nine years and I don't know what to do to save our marriage. We have always gone to church as a family, but lately he doesn't want anything to do with church and prefers to remain at home watching TV or on social media on his mobile phone. As for me, I’ve immersed myself in work and looking after my children, at times even forgetting about him. The respect I had towards him just faded away. Another matter that bothers me is that he showed me the woman he cheated on me with. She is a colleague of his, and they still work together, a factor that disturbs me a lot since I cannot help thinking that they are still having an affair. Will this ever end? Is there anybody else who has ever gone through this and managed to overcome it? Will I ever regain the trust I had in him? Is it possible to save this marriage? I feel that I’m losing it. Several times I’ve tried to revenge to get back at him, but I simply cannot due to my Christian background. Kindly help us.

Hi there,

If you have been reading this column as you say you have, then you know that you are not sailing this boat alone.

Reading about and listening to other people’s experiences can be helpful and encouraging. Through their experiences, you are able to reflect how certain choices influence your life and associations.

Your current anger and bitterness has clouded everything you hear or think about when it comes to your husband.

It’s clear that you were deeply wounded by the actions of your husband. He slept with another woman.

This is a reality that you must acknowledge and deal with if you are going to help yourself heal.

Acknowledgment that your husband betrayed you and had an affair is hurting, but you need to know that there is nothing you can do to change what happened.

Therefore, you need to move on from this stage that you have dwelt on for years.

HEALING

Acknowledgment of hurt is the first step towards healing, which must be followed by a desire to look for a solution to the pain you feel.

Boundaries that the two of you must commit to need to be set and respected. Forgiveness must be followed by a commitment to live differently to avoid another cycle of hurt and pain.

It is obvious that there is a mixture of conflicted feelings in both of you that is controlling how you feel and respond to each other.

Feelings of betrayal followed by a desire to revenge can linger for a long time, which is the situation in your life right now.

No one can resolve these deeply embedded feelings that have prevented you from moving forward for years apart from you.

You must make a choice to move on regardless of the choice your husband made. The state of your emotional and spiritual health is key to your future choices and decisions.

Forgiveness is a choice, and to free yourself from the bitterness holding you back, you need to forgive your husband if you still desire to save your marriage.

But even as you forgive him, know that there is no guarantee that you will never be hurt in a similar way or in other ways by your husband.

LIFESTYLE CHANGE

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