MAN IN THE HOOD: Cheers to the courageous 'kibanda' regulars

Being a bachelor comes with its own set of challenges. You have to clean the house, wash clothes and do lots of other things that you wish you had someone to help you with.

One of the most exasperating tasks to perform as a bachelor is cooking. It’s one of those things you think thrice about before attempting, forget twice.

No matter how skilful you are in the kitchen, grabbing those sufurias and slicing onions is never fun. A bachelor would have an easier time climbing a chilly, snowy mountain than cooking.

There are days when you hype yourself and make a vow that you are going to prepare a toothsome meal, but when you think about washing the dishes, you become an ally of procrastination.

You are like, not today, maybe next time.

TAKE-OUT

“Hey, you know what would be fun? Two hours of preparing ingredients, cooking and thereafter washing all utensils until they shine bright like the diamonds Rihanna sings about,” – said no bachelor ever.

Whenever I don’t feel like cooking (which is most times), I prefer getting takeout food from one of the few restaurants in my estate.

It’s a costlier option than cooking but when necessity knocks on the door, good financial practices fly out of the window.

NEW KIBANDA

A few days ago, as I was heading to a restaurant to get some supper, I noticed a kibanda that appeared new.

It had probably been set up during the day because I hadn’t seen it in the morning. Such is the entrepreneurship spirit we need in Kenya.

The aroma drifting from the kibanda was quite pleasant. Temptation kicked in straight away and my mouth watered.

I’ll admit it. I haven’t been to many kibandas. I never trust myself with kibanda food. The last time I visited one, my stomach turned into an active volcano.

I’ve had Kibanda-phobia ever since. But as they say, you are not a real man until you pulverise your fears.

FACING MY FEARS

I figured that I must have gotten tougher. I’ve been eating mutura and if I can consume that easily without any problems, kibanda food will be nothing right?

So, I went in and this time I discarded my normal practice of asking for takeaway. I sat down comfortably on the dusty benches.

“Nipatie matumbo na ugali (I would like tripe and ugali),” I told the jovial woman after she rushed to take my order.

The food looked good. The mere thought of sinking my teeth eagerly into the squidgy texture of the cattle intestines made me impatient.

I grabbed one tumbo (a piece of matumbo is called tumbo right?) and shoved it into my mouth. Its taste was immensely satisfying, like it had been cooked with the supervision of world-famous chef Gordon Ramsey.

I cleared it in record time then asked for a second helping. Ugali saucer and more matumbo came through. I cleared that quickly too and paid before stepping out of the magical place that had bestowed so much gratification to my taste buds.

RUMBLE IN THE TUMMY

As I left the kibanda, I couldn’t help but wonder why I had wasted myself getting takeouts from fancy restaurants before.

You know how you meet a really cool new lover and you feel like asking them “where have you been all my life?” That’s how I felt after eating the matumbo.

Kibanda food was what I truly needed. It was what I had been missing all my life. Or so I thought.

No sooner had I settled down in my house to watch the latest episode of "Dynasty" than I heard the first rumble in my tummy. I ignored it but it was soon followed by several others.

Then a sharp pain hit my abdomen, followed by the need to rush to the toilet. It turned out to be an evening of horror as I made more visits to the toilet than I can remember.

NO WATER

Worse still, our area hadn’t had water for close to a week. The thing about living in an area with constant water supply is that you never care to store some. You always assume that the taps will always be splashing when you open them.

This impromptu shortage was a major disadvantage to me, especially with my running stomach. Interestingly, the times when you have no water is when whatever you are trying to flash usually refuses to go.

I rushed to a nearby chemist and bought medicine and after a few hours, peace and calm was restored. My newly found relationship with kibanda food had to come to a sad end.

A PRECIOUS GIFT
Honestly, I have nothing but respect for kibanda regulars. People who never have stomach problems after eating kibandaski food have a precious gift that they should never take for granted.

They’re not some lightweight fellas, but individuals whose tummies love them and are jointly working with them in their mission to save money while still getting the greatest fill possible.

So, please, give it up for the lucky fellas who never have to rush to the toilet after their date with Mama Kibanda. They are the undisputed MVPs.