I find your advice on relationships too neutral

Consequently, I remove my feelings and instead follow good reason and judgment gained from being a good student of the emotions of others on an issue. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • For over 10 years, we have committed to offering an alternative voice of reason in an area bombarded by many compromising voices on the issues presented.
  • We choose to remain within the boundaries where we have some level of control and responsibility over what we do and say.

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I am a keen follower of your Daily Nation columns on relationships. Sir, I must ask why you always don’t seem to give direct advice to those who ask you about relationship issues. I find your answers too neutral and evasive. You are a Christian but that should not stop you from giving direct answers to questions. Please, don’t try to please everyone by going round in circles. You end up pleasing nobody at all.

In the October 7, 2019 column, a widower referred back to some earlier article of yours talking about a widow looking for a trustworthy person. You barely answered his question but used so many words (and I know you are paid per word!). Then finally you tell him you “have always been hesitant to match couples this way”. I laughed so loudly that my colleagues thought I had lost it. Well, if you did match them, does that make you less of a Christian?

Also, why did you have to discuss about the lonely widow looking for someone in that earlier article? Personally, I have issues in my own relationship but I can’t even seek your advice because you guessed it right, I won’t get any. Thanks but I must now learn to flip the page faster and ignore your column.

Hi,

Thank you for your candid feedback. We appreciate and honour your views as a regular reader of this page.

Perhaps you can better appreciate the responses we give if you were to consider why this column was created in the first place.

One of the values this column places a high premium on is confidentiality. You should also know that this was never meant to be a match-making platform, so that is not a route we will ever take.

As a forum where people share their relationship issues, engaging in such would lead us down a slippery road that may hurt many.

For over 10 years, we have committed to offering an alternative voice of reason in an area bombarded by many compromising voices on the issues presented.

As such, it has been important for this column to be a guide and not be prescriptive in offering advice.

If someone writes to ask where they can find a good wife, our job is to offer a different and wider perspective.

The idea is to grow our readers. Where we sense any form of danger — for example, abuse or manipulation, we have given caution or rebuke without fear or favour.

ETHICAL CODE

As a Christian and a counsellor who needs to abide by certain ethical code, I have to watch myself so as not be overtaken by my feelings on an issue.

Additionally, I have made it my aim never to be intimidated from sharing my convictions on an issue in a professional manner.

I am aware that this is where people differ because we hold different beliefs, values and personal or professional convictions on any issue.

I was taught that a good counsellor should never negate their prime duty of being a good listener, skilled guide that refuses to come across as judgmental or lacking in confidentiality.

Consequently, I remove my feelings and instead follow good reason and judgment gained from being a good student of the emotions of others on an issue.

Being guided by great values and good ethics helps do what is right and not necessarily seeking to please people.

Forcing anyone to live by my values would be crossing the line. However, sharing boldly what I believe will help build respectable families and relationships.

I think you are disappointed because I did not connect the two people.

SLIPPERY SLOPE

However, as stated earlier, this could hurt the writer, readers, and the column itself in the long run.

I have come to realise that there is power in being a teacher, doctor, or any adviser for that matter.

There is always the danger for some to do whatever we say and end up hurting themselves later.

It is possible that in the process of trying to help one gentleman, we may end up connecting a vulnerable lady to them who could in the end abuse them.

If she writes back to us, how do we reconcile with the fact that she believed in us and we ended up failing?

Therefore, we choose to remain within the boundaries where we have some level of control and responsibility over what we do and say.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]