Is your child sexually active?

Becky Thuita, a mother of one, is at a loss about what to do about her six-year-old son, who has been displaying overly sexual tendencies.

“I have caught him thrice trying to kiss girls his age,” she says, “I wonder how much he knows about sex.”

In this era of information and technology, children are exposed to sex earlier than ever. Consequently, a child can display sexual behaviour from as early as three years. According to Grace Karani, a psychologist at the Ministry of Health, who counsels children and teenagers, a parent should only get concerned if the child displays behaviour that is significantly different from what is normal for a child that age.

How do you determine what is normal at each age? According to Karani, sexual behaviour is not limited to sexual activity and includes talk, touch and interests.

Children below five years are curious about their bodies and may touch or show their genitals to others. They may also experiment with putting objects in their genitals which is normal curiosity and should not be confused with sexual activity.

School-age children between five and nine years are more aware of their sexuality. They feel more inhibited and need privacy. Pre-adolescents aged between nine and12 have a heightened awareness. They commonly compare genital sizes and function although sexual intercourse at this age is uncommon. Teenagers may experiment sexually and/or masturbate.

CAUSE TO WORRY
However, if a child under the age of five forces other children to perform sexual acts, you should be worried. It could mean that he is either abused or exposed to sexual activity. It is also worrisome for a pre-pubescent child to simulate sex or masturbate compulsively.

Obvious signs that your pre-teen or teenager is sexually active would be finding them in possession of items like birth control, condoms or if they contract a sexually transmitted infection. Less obvious signs are changes in behaviour, sudden interest in washing their own clothes or beddings and wearing skimpier clothes.

If your child is addicted to pornography or is engaging in sexual activity for favours or money he will need professional help. Regardless of the child’s age, any sexual behaviour which is forceful, harmful, compulsive, secretive and degrading is a red flag.

WAY FORWARD

If the behaviour is persistent despite corrective efforts, or you suspect that a child has been abused, seek professional help from a child psychologist.

The realisation that an older child is sexually active will naturally be met with shock, denial and anger and most parents will react by punishing and/or forbidding their child from further sex. However, before you react, Karani suggests that you think about how much of your child’s sex life you can actually control.

The bitter truth is that ultimately your child makes the choice. Your duty is to help them make informed decisions. Talk to your child and arm them with accurate facts about sexuality. Forbidding sex or refusing to talk about safe sex is impractical because growing children will be curious.

Karani advises parents to allow their children to talk freely about sex and to defend their actions in a healthy debate. Talk to them about your beliefs and values concerning sex, talk about hopes and dreams for their future and your concerns and discuss the consequences of having sex.

MIXED MESSAGE?
Then give them information and tools to protect themselves from life-long consequences like infections and pregnancy.

Josephine Mbui who counsels and mentors teenagers in Thika argues that even if your child knows you don’t approve of his choice to have sex, your child will not necessarily stop doing it, thus it is wise to ensure that if she decides to have sex, it will be safe.

She adds, “Do not give up on getting through to them. Even if they are already having sex, it doesn’t mean that they will keep doing it.”