It’s time to ease up on the chase

A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through the internet for photos of an online crush, trying to see if there were any signs of a man or a wedding ring so that when I hit on her, I would know whether to call before or after 10pm.

In the process, I came across a love story that really wasn’t a love story.

A woman came out to talk about how she met this guy in 2014, curved him for a while, got free meals out of him, was terrible to him, but four years later, in 2018, she gave him a chance.

Now she’s waiting to tell her kids how persistent he was. I cannot emphasise what I am about to say enough: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Below her tweet were hundreds of women asking her where she found a man like that and which mountain she prays to, talking about how men these days aren’t as patient as he is.

I don’t even know where to start because I’m still wondering whether this man has any male friends (or even a shopkeeper who likes him or a waitress who doesn’t) who should have set him straight on this whole matter about five years ago.

SELF-RESPECT

The lady eventually deleted her tweet, and I’m glad she did because she humiliated a poor brother who has already endured enough.

Why would a man with any hint of self-respect stay through this mistreatment?

I should start by noting that I’m not one to be on a high horse here because I have been in a situation I should have walked away from but didn’t, so a part of me understands this foolishness.

But at least my willingness to be a donkey wasn’t broadcast for the world to see.

I think that somewhere in a cave 4,521 years ago some genius came up with the ‘wisdom’ that men need to grovel and ‘work for it’ to get a woman.

The other cave folk went with the narrative; that’s why such embarrassing stories exist today.

Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that Ruth Matete’s husband wrote a whole post online about how he’s so grateful she had married him and how, during their two-year, eight-month dating time, she had dumped him 38 times.

DATING

Thirty-eight times. Almost as many as Diamond’s total children across Africa (he’s the real African Union).

This is one of those things which, if you choose to withstand, you deal with quietly and bribe everyone including Sonko to never reveal.

Men need to know when to walk away and when to never look back. This is a vital skill I never knew we needed to be reminded of, but here we are.

Hitting on someone shouldn’t be a game of Survivor or Amazing Race. When you realise you want someone, by all means shoot your shot.

Send that risky text. Send that drink over. Send that teddy bear to her office. Go over and talk to her.

If she’s interested then go on and court her as you please, within your budget and time constraints.

Do whatever you feel is within your means in terms of dates and surprises and gifts, because you need to put in effort as a bare minimum expectation.

BE CIRCUMSPECT

While doing all this, though, you need to make sure your effort is reciprocated and that she’s putting in some work on her end; otherwise, it’s going to be a long ride.

Many times it’s a back and forth game and a lot of “aki woiye’s” and “stop but don’t stop” games, and that’s all good, but sometimes she’s genuinely not interested in you.

You need to discern that quickly and move on as fast as you can.

Too many men are out here making all sorts of grand gestures to get women to say yes to them when the women won’t ever be into them.

Does she only call you when she needs money or food? Does she only call you when she wants someone to take her shopping?

BEGINNER'S CHECKLIST

Are you the tent pole she calls when she needs someone to take her places and her plan A-D guys are too busy for her?

Does she keep on giving you lists of endless requirements that you need to meet before she can give you a chance?

Are you the one always going to visit her and initiating dates?

It’s taken me a while to learn that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. The “thrill of the chase” isn’t in her saying no for years while using you, and you hoping your doormat behaviour will open that door for you.

Go look for another woman – one who actually likes you. I promise you, it works wonders!