LOVE MATTERS: A loving relationship begins with you

A distraught Daisy walked into the sexology clinic, convinced that she was an ugly woman with big lips and a flat bottom.

“My mother always reminded me of this and my aunt called me buffalo lips,” she told me.

Her parents also used derogatory labels such as academic dwarf and small brain to describe her when she was under their wing. By the time Daisy left home to marry Alfred, there was nothing left of her self-esteem. She was a timid woman who could never stand up for herself and she was more comfortable being subservient. She did everything she could to please Alfred because if anything, she felt that he had done her a favour by marrying her. The couple went on to have two children, but after seven years of marriage things started to fall apart. Alfred had a short-lived extra-marital affair which Daisy reacted to by attempting suicide. This crisis led them to the sexology clinic where Daisy’s lack of self-love was identified as the root cause of their marital drama.

During our sessions, Daisy reflected on her childhood and realised that her perception of self was destroyed while she was growing up. As a result, she was unable to have deep and trusting relationships. That’s why her relationship with her husband lacked an emotional connection. Sex was also mechanical. Alfred did not understand his distant wife and took the easier route of cultivating an emotional connection with a colleague at work. Soon enough they were having sex and Alfred could no longer rise to the occasion when he was with his wife Daisy. The embarrassment of the erectile dysfunction led Alfred to keep off sex with his wife, but this made Daisy even more distressed.

Such is the damage that a lack of self-love can cause in a romantic relationship. As the adage goes, love others as you love yourself. This means that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself.

 “So what do you want me to do? This is just who I happen to be!” Daisy said in one of the sessions.

The first thing to do if you hate yourself is to work on reframing your thoughts. There are so many beautiful things about you. Jot them down, hang them on your bedroom wall and remind yourself each day about your unique beauty and attributes. Remember you are not just a pair of ugly lips. Neither are you just flat butts or big nose. You are a whole human being with a unique nature. Your beauty is hidden in that unique nature and the way your body, personality, mind and spirit are framed is such that they are supposed to radiate the unique beauty to manifest to the world. It is only that your perception of your natural beauty of mind, body and spirit was damaged during your childhood, but it can be reclaimed.

JUDGMENT IS NOT TRUTH

Of note is that you can never stop people from judging you. There are people who will say negative and nasty things about you, but that is just their judgment of you, not necessarily the truth. You have no control over what they think and say, but you have control over the ability to continually remind yourself of your unique beauty and nature. It is an important obligation.

A person with poor self-esteem often looks haggard and pays no attention to grooming and beauty treatments at the salon or fashion. Such people find reasons to discredit those who spend time and money to look good. They have not discovered the confidence that comes with paying attention to beauty and fashion. Worse still, the person believes in doom. They are always fearful of something bad happening. They talk of getting divorced or losing a job, or getting into a car accident or dying prematurely. They see life as full of risks. They live in fear.

“Waa, that’s a perfect description of me!” Daisy murmured.

GIVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM A BOOST

On the other hand, a good dose of self-esteem makes you excel in whatever you choose to do. The confidence and dedication you show at your place of work puts you ahead of your colleagues. You also radiate love and care for others who reciprocate.

To boost your self-esteem, celebrate your achievements. Throw a party to celebrate your life on your birthday. Celebrate your love with your partner on your anniversary. Have a holiday this Christmas season and celebrate the fantastic year you have had. Do not take anything for granted. The more you celebrate, the greater the boost in your self-esteem. Also remember to set aside time to treat and pamper yourself in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life. Love and life starts with you. Take time to be alone, to reflect on your challenges and suggest to yourself solutions to problems you are facing. This personal time is as important for you as is the time you spend with your spouse.

REBIRTH

Daisy went through a journey of self-re-discovery at the sexology clinic to regain her self-worth. It is only after this rebirth that she started radiating love, got emotionally connected with Alfred, and started growing in love.