MAN IN THE HOOD: I pledge my loyalty to the avocado

It’s a widely acknowledged truth that when it comes to fruits, the avocado is the G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time).

I mean, has there ever been anything more delightful to munch and swallow? And has there ever been a more adaptable fruit? Due to its chunky, saccharine, sensuous, buttery taste, the avocado never fails to shine when paired with any meal. Madondo? It’s a match. Githeri? It’s a match. Sukuma wiki? It’s a match. Meat? It’s a match.

Every meal you can think of can get along with avocadoes.

BEST AVOCADOES

I thank God that today, I have access to some of the best avocadoes to ever exist on earth. This is all thanks to a new Mama Mboga that has set base in my hood. I don’t know where she gets them but damn, are they good.

Her fellow Mama Mbogas have probed her severally in an effort to make her reveal the source but she has declined to disclose. Rumour has it that they are devising a way to take her down and send her back to where she came from.

I understand why the other Mama Mbogas feel threatened. This new woman on the block always has queues on her stall. Queues full of customers that only want one thing – her avocados.

It’s like her avocados don’t grow on trees. It’s like they are manufactured in a hidden lab in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest by a team of the world’s best biologists and nutritional experts. Their creamy texture can easily cajole any sceptics' to join the avocado-is-bae movement.

LUCKY FIND NO MORE

Perfect avocados are always a lucky find. Generally, avocadoes tend to have plenty of flaws. Some have been pressed too much and are as soft as undercooked ugali.

Some are too rough, they feel like alligator skin. Some have too much fibre in the flesh. Some fool you that they are ripe but when you slice them you find out they taste like chloroquine.

However, with this Mama Mboga, perfect avocados are a guaranteed find. Hers are neither titanium-hard nor squishable pulp.

They yield only modestly when pressed and they maintain their honour when sliced or scooped. They are every fruit lover’s dream.

Fate has a tendency of letting people find the best things when they least expect it and the same transpired with me.

It all happened on one Saturday afternoon. I had gone to buy my groceries from my usual Mama Mboga but I found that she was not around.

So I looked around for another one and that’s how I met the current one.

BIG, SWEET, RIPE

I wasn’t even intending on buying avocadoes. My plan was only to buy tomatoes and onions to cook for some visitors but the kind lady convinced me to try out how green oval balls of magic. “Ni kubwa, tamu na zimeiva vizuri,” she said.

I looked at them with lustful eyes and bought them. I ate them as soon as I got to the house and I was hooked. I’ve never looked back ever since. 

CAN’T SETTLE FOR LESS

 Nowadays, I cannot just settle for any avocado. It has to be perfect, spotless and full of flesh. The seed should occupy less than a quarter of the avocado’s total volume.

You see, a few months ago, I was a simple human of simple tastes. I could take any avocado I found. I would go to a grocery stand and pick the ugliest, roughest avocado imaginable.

I didn’t care about having preferences. I just wanted to have avocado with my meals. If part of it was not good for consumption, I would simply trim it to salvage the palatable part.

I wasn’t a man who was too keen on details. My neighbour and close friend Maureen tried to tutor me on the art of selecting quality avocados but I was a stubborn student. I insisted my avocados were fine.

I told her only God can judge me and only God could judge my avocados. I didn’t need her lengthy condescending disquisition about which avocado is better than the other.

Today, things are different. I have vowed to never ever settle for less. It’s either a good avocado or no avocado at all.

My former Mama Mboga’s stall is located quite far away and she isn’t aware that the new lady has stolen one of her most loyal customers.

FORMER CUSTOMER

She keeps asking me why I stopped buying avocadoes on her stall and I tell her the doctor warned me to stop eating fruits. I tell her I have a condition called Avocanosomiasis and it can get worse if I eat more avocados.

If only she knew that it was a non-existent condition.

Brutal lie right there but it’s better than the truth. I feel guilty but I am definitely getting value for my money with the new Mama Mboga, hence no regrets. The heart wants what the heart wants.  

Avocado is bae and wherever a good avocado pops up, I will follow.