KITOTO: My estranged wife has disclosed she has HIV

Hi, Kitoto

I got married in 2013 but as soon as we got our daughter, our union collapsed due to a myriad of reasons including lack of/bad sex, non-compatibility in terms of how a marriage set up should be, amongst other reasons.

My wife got into the company of some friends who loved to party against my advice and I kept off my home though I actively attempted to mend the marriage. I was never sure who really contributed to the break up but I blamed myself.

Recently my wife came back, still not willing to commit fully, and informed me she is now HIV-positive and I should decide what to do.

Considering her past behaviour and her nature versus the welfare of our daughter and a successful marriage, should I walk away and live my life or man up and stand by her?

Mike

Hi,

There are some facts that are key to having a marriage that will be meaningful to both of you. First, there are issues in your relationship that caused a break-up that still stand unresolved. Second, your wife has disclosed to you that she is HIV-positive.

It is important for you to navigate these two issues. There is a statement in your letter to effect that the two of you tried to resolve the issues. My guess is that, you still saw a future in your relationship with her. The key to your future together will not be whether she is HIV-positive or not. I believe the key to the future will be the resolve to reconnect.

The question is whether you still feel the same now that you have discovered that she is HIV-positive. I believe that your commitment should determine your choices. How much do you value her friendship? This is what will give you the strength to move on into the future. I will suggest two things:

First, seek to deal with the issues that separated the two of you regardless of what the future holds. It is nice for both of you to know that there is forgiveness over the issues that divided you. Second, evaluate the issues surrounding her return and ensure that the two of you are in agreement on the rules of engagement. As much as your getting back together is on a platform of love and forgiveness, it must also be about a commitment based on knowledge that she will need greater support from you to face the future ahead.

I believe that the decision remains with you to do what is right and not necessarily what looks logical. Although every choice has consequences, her return could be signalling her need for support and help. However, this cannot be done blindly. You must also take into account the consequences of your decision. Above all, let your decisions avoid blame and finger pointing. As for your her, she needs to be encouraged to see a doctor who will place her on medication as soon as possible.

Do long distance relationships really work?

Hi, Kitoto

I have a girlfriend who lives in Eldoret and I live in Nakuru. She commutes occasionally to where I live. Do long distance relationships work? Victor

Hi,

Long distance relationships are both enjoyable and strenuous at the same time. Those who become creative with their time and put in place creative ways of keeping the connection alive will survive. Many, however, have ended up becoming tired and throwing in the towel because of the amount of effort needed to keep long distance relationships active.

There are many challenges partners face as they seek to make a long distance relationship work for them. It is important to note that some of the issues that hinder long-distance relationships could also be found to affect other relationships even though the partners may be in close proximity. These issues include: 

1. The knowledge that chances of growing apart are higher. Couples who come to this realisation can turn it to their good by investing in creative ways of connecting with each other; including calls, texting, video calls, and, once in a while, visitation,  among many others.

2. Increased cases of suspicion due to a lack of trust between a couple. A couple who live far from each other will most of the time face moments of increased anxiety due to jealousy arising from the fact that you are unable to account for how your partner spends their time. With this arises the feeling that your partner could be keeping some secrets from you. This can only be resolved by assurances through regular communication.

3. Uncertainty is certain in relationships where partners have allowed the feelings of loneliness to overtake them. Long distance relationships should involve moments of affirmation, assurance and sacrifice. Since long distance relationships may be deficient of romance like going out for movies, coffee and taking adventure and fun rides together, an element of anxiety that could lead to uncertainty in the relationship could arise.

4. Increased times of temptation to cheat. Due to suspicions, high levels of anxiety and lack of emotional connection, some spouses are pushed to the limit to cheat. Faithfulness is, however, the key. Moments of subdued emotional connection must be met by occasional visits, times of assurance and opportunities of accounting for one’s time to their partner.

5. Increased chances of fights and arguments. When unresolved issues accumulate due a lack of adequate time to deal with them, arguments will arise and a feeling of disconnection can arise. People in long distance relationships should be creative in getting time to take and bond. A time for fun and relaxation helps break down the wall that can stand between a couple.

If handled well, long distance relationships can be as fulfilling as the other types of relationships.

He doesn’t communicate or support our baby

Dear Kitoto,

I am conflicted about my relationship. My boyfriend rarely communicates which is really hurting me because I believe communication is very essential to a relationship. Another issue is that he doesn’t give me emotional and financial support. We have a three-month-old baby and he came to see her only once yet we live in the same town. He has never bought the baby even diapers. I am the one who has been calling him since the year began and sometimes he doesn’t pick. I just wish he tells me why he is acting like this. I am 27-years-old and I just want a stable and serious relationship. Currently I am really stressed and it has affected my sleeping patterns. Should I just move on and be a single mother? Kindly help. Cherop

Hi,

As you have mentioned, communication is key in relationships. Everyone in a relationship needs to know that they will be heard. As a result, the creation of a healthy environment where open and unhindered dialogue takes place is key. What I see as a weakness in your relationship is a lack of honest as far as communication is concerned.

Certain factors are key in quality communication in relationship: first, remain clear about spending time together talking; second, be specific in expressing your feelings; third, you need to deal with negative feelings associated with communication; fourth, build an environment of listening without being defensive; and lastly, allow each other to freely express their feelings on issues whether positive or negative.

The two of you need also to discuss the role finances play in marriage. All the way from the dating days, each couple should put in place ways of handling finances. What I see are signs of man who needs to take his responsibility seriously. However, since it takes two to make a relationship work, there is need for you to evaluate whether you are on the same page on issues of finance. If finances and communication become an issue, there is need for you to make a choice: Is this the type of man you would want to spend the rest of your life with?

TIPS ON RELATING INTELLIGENTLY:

You need to create a safe home environment that is conducive for proper relation. Safe environment breaks down walls of separation between a couple.

Self care is key to a couple’s perception. Perception affects how a couple relates and handles other people associated with them.

Emotional communication has the power to break down walls. Used well, emotional intelligence helps create an open and trusting environment that promotes healing.

Relationships that are deficient in emotional intelligence grow stale. Without emotional intelligence lack of disclosure abounds

Relational pain can be a great opportunity for interrogating emotional reactions. Well-managed emotional reactions can result in growth.