I love my girlfriend but my family say they don’t like her tribe

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I’m a 26 -year-old man in love with a 22-year-old woman. We go to the same school and have been dating for 11 months. I enjoy her company and the conversations about our future together. Recently, my family and close friends have begun showing their disapproval of our relationship. My girlfriend is Kikuyu; I am from a different tribe. I’ve been strongly advised against marrying her solely because of the tribe she comes from.

Unfortunately, these sentiments have started taking a toll on our relationship. I no longer enjoy talking about the future with her. I’ve considered ending the relationship, but I cannot imagine my life without her. I’ve been warned that she might turn out to be a terrible person after marriage.

Others have told me that she might vanish with everything I have and leave me broke. Yet I feel that she plays a very important role in my life. I’m confused. Please advise me on the best way forward.

Hi

It is pleasurable to hear that you love this woman deeply. However, you have to remember that what we value must cost you.

Love demands sacrifice. My take is that your love for her will drive you to make the right sacrifices that will communicate a clear message to your detractors that you mean business. Right now, your close associates seem to test your resolve.

I would like to condense the issues you have raised into two key areas. First is the tribal factor and how it affects relationships.

Relationships should not be built on ethnic or selfish interests that are counter to basic human norms.

In this day and age, anyone playing the tribal card to stop your relationship should either be stopped or ignored.

To reject your future spouse on tribal excuses is not backward but will only encourage negative ethnicity.

Second is the qualities of a great marriage partner. The attributes of lasting relationships include, among others, the need to be tolerant, accepting, and persevering with each other.

BE DISCERNING

Somehow, your close associates are reading from a different script. In my opinion, marriage and in general, nations of the world, thrive on diversity of its peoples, language, races, ideas, and resources. Although different, we complement each other.

Finally, let me deal with how outsiders could influence the direction of a relationship positively or negatively.

To live a fulfilling life, choose what makes perfect sense and adds value when it comes to taking advise from others.

Do not forget the vested interests of those who surround us. Sifting through what we see and hear with wisdom and making good choices takes courage and discernment.

Lasting relationships are those that commit to values such as faithfulness and honest disclosure.

Although there is nothing like a perfect relationship, many people get duped into thinking that what they see is not what should be.

Most spouses end up living with regret for lack of discernment and the will to say “No” to certain habits and interferences that can be detected early during dating.

This could be the moment you could just save yourself from living in a toxic environment that could hurt you in the future.

CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE

When it comes to associating with those outside your relationship, ask yourself the following: Are they facilitating a negative environment?

I’m of the view that embracing negativity is one way of inviting a toxic environment.

Do you feel like you are experiencing a lot of tension and stressed as a result of their interference? Is that restricting you to express yourself the way you want?

A safe relationship will make the two of you feel secure to express your authentic selves. Am I more discouraged than encouraged in their presence?

There is a part of you that is feeling demoralised by the way they have treated you and your girlfriend.

I sense a feeling that your girlfriend is being demeaned because of her tribe more than receiving affirmation and support.

It appears that, as a result, you feel that you need to leave her. Are you allowing your friends to invalidate your feelings?

It appears that as far as they are concerned, your feelings are not valid; they do not matter.

Somehow, as you express how you feel, they appear to override what you stand for, thereby manipulating your position on the issue of who to marry.

The feelings of both of you must remain valid even when they have to be criticised because in the end, the wife is yours not theirs.

Having said all that, it is important for you to gauge what would really keep you in this relationship.

You already appear undecided and almost giving up. The choice is really yours to make.