In Summary
  • In relationships where one spouse is an addict, the best chance for the relationship finding help is when the sober partner becomes the voice of hope, reason and support.
  • I pray that you will move with wisdom as you try your best to bring good and supportive people around him. Encourage him to get help.

Dear Kitoto,

My husband lost his job due to drunkenness. Since then, our marriage has been very unhappy. He calls me all sorts of names and claims that I don’t value him. Instead of finding another job so that he can fend for his family, he has turned to drinking alcohol late into the night.

He has become cruel to the extent that I fear accompanying him anywhere lest he starts insulting me in public. We used to go to church together but he has quit church. In fact, he blames God for his misfortunes. I have noticed that he has become short-tempered. Sometimes I fear for the safety of myself and our child.

My parents feel I should move in with them together with my child as we try to work out our marriage. However, I am hesitant to leave because I took a vow to keep our marriage going. Separation or divorce is not an option for me. Recently, my husband started making demands for a second baby.

Things are already tight given that he still hasn’t secured a job. I am at a loss on what to do. Please advise.

Hi,

I am sorry that things have got that far with your husband. It is not clear to me what started him on this habit of taking alcohol and staying away from home till late.

Whatever the causes, it appears like the alcohol not only caused him to lose his job, but also his church friends.

The loss of a job must have led to further drinking of alcohol, emotional abuse meted out on you and the late arrivals home.

Joblessness could easily lead to a season of anxiety and the possibility of anger that may quickly slide into wrong company.

This cycle may lead to further use of alcohol to drown his sorrows. With time, he has come to a place where it seems he cannot do without alcohol.

Alcohol has now become his place of refuge. With the love of alcohol, one could easily be drawn to abuse or even promiscuous behaviour.

For some, this may show itself through the love of pornography and cybersex. Without a job, the feeling could make him feel like he is a failure.

As a result, his actions could be a show of wanting to take control through manipulation.

SEARCH FOR CONSOLATION

This is the web where many find themselves causing their families great pain. This could be the reason your parents do not want to see you continue to suffer.

Your man has become a captive of alcoholism, resulting in outbursts of anger and the deflection of blame to you or even God for all he is facing.

At times he will feel bitter and betrayed by the world around and drown himself more in drinking alcohol. The best thing is to remain a friend.

In relationships where one spouse is an addict, the best chance for the relationship finding help is when the sober partner becomes the voice of hope, reason and support.

This is hard particularly where the habit goes on for a long time. To make things hard, you have to look for ways to address his desire for a second baby.

For him, he might see another baby as a consolation or a win in such moments of uncertainty.

I pray that you remain focused and find the grace to remain the voice of hope to yourself and to a man who needs help.

I do agree with your perspective on divorce. I pray that you will move with wisdom as you try your best to bring good and supportive people around him.

Encourage him to get help. What you need to watch out against is any form of violence or physical abuse.

FINDING COMFORT

I sense a level of heightened frustration and pain that has built up over the years.

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