In Summary
  • Marrying again would be good for you and your children particularly if they are still young and need a father figure.
  • In case you choose to marry again, take your time and choose a person whose values and beliefs resonate with yours.
  • Issues that arise in relationships that are inconsistent with what is expected should be pointed out and addressed fully to the satisfaction of both parties.

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

My husband died a few years ago. I had no job and my husband had nothing at the time of his death. By the grace of God, I managed to get a very good job which enables me to take care of my children. I am struggling with a few issues that I would like you to help me with — one of these is my sexual feelings. Where do I take them? I don’t want to get married again, yet these feeling seem to be getting more urgent by the day. I am really struggling to contain them, yet all the men that show an interest in me just want financial favours from me. I am not willing to simply give my hard-earned money because money doesn't grow on trees. Please help me deal with this because I am losing my mind.

Hi there,

I am sorry for your loss. In addition, I commend you for your focus and determination to look after your children following your husband’s death.

The death of a spouse can leave one with emotional baggage that can make many find it hard to move on.

For a widow like you, several issues soon come to the fore: first is the opportunity to re-focus the family on the future ahead.

This is what you have done by finding a job and providing for the needs of your children in the absence of your husband.

Second is the issue of companionship, which needs to be managed.

For some widows and widowers, remarriage is an option, a decision that resolves the challenge you find yourself in.

Some however choose to remain single the rest of their lives. The reasons behind this are many, such as fear of being hurt, fear of the future and disapproval from the extended family.

REMARRIAGE

Now, to your challenge, I am of the view that getting involved sexually leads to an emotional bond that is equally as tight as one experienced in marriage.

I do not see how you can distance yourself sexuality from who you are as a person and the values you hold. Sex is not all there is to companionship.

You point out that men are only showing an interest in you because of your money — it might be a valid fear — just like some may want to use your relationship with them for sex, others may desire a relationship for financial gain. Whichever way, this will leave you feeling empty.

You need to debate why marriage is not an option for you. Maybe if you answer this question, your fears of marriage can be allayed.

Seek advice from a professional counsellor and address this last matter. This is the only sure way of determining whether having a companion will be the right way to go.

The fact is that the way men desire to relate with you for money is no different from you relating to men for sex.

As you consider this, remember that the death of a spouse leaves one with a deep wound that can only heal with time.

Marrying again would be good for you and your children particularly if they are still young and need a father figure.

FATHER FIGURE

That said, it is important to ensure that you have done your homework well.

First, getting the right person that blends well with you and the children should be a priority.

Although you may not feel it, your children may, from time to time, miss a father figure who will understand them and care for them in certain ways you may not be able to.

Definitely, I am not the right person to make such a choice for you.

You are the only one who can because you understand how important your sexual needs are and the life your children may want.

In case you choose to marry again, take your time and choose a person whose values and beliefs resonate with yours. I wish you the best.

****

Hey Kitoto,

My girlfriend cheated on me with another man for two years, what do I do?

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