My husband witnessed childbirth and it turned him off

My husband and I have been married for three years. I gave birth to our first child a year ago. During the entire period when I was pregnant, my husband was very supportive and involved and he accompanied me to every doctor’s visit. We even talked about him being in the delivery room on my due date. I found all this very romantic and caring and it made me love him even more, but now it has come back to haunt me.

First of all, on D-day he became melodramatic as my labour progressed and seemed to require more help than I did. In the delivery room, things got worse, until a nurse had to usher him out because he almost fainted.

Later, he told me that was the most horrific thing he has ever seen in his life and if he had known, he would never have accompanied me to the labour ward. Unfortunately, he has never recovered and this has affected our intimacy.

We haven’t been intimate for a whole year. He is still a good, caring and supportive husband and father, but he says that he has no desire for me anymore. What can I do to make my husband desire me again?

READERS’ ADVICE

I wonder if the two of you really knew what exactly happens in the delivery room before deciding that your husband should be present. If you had, then he would have been able to gauge whether he would actually be comfortable being there. All the same, the mental turmoil he is going through can dissipate after a while, but you both need to see a cousellor conversant with sexual matters to walk him through the healing process and help him adjust back to a normal sex life.

It may also help to revisit some of the things that first attracted him to you. I also hope that you have not become sloppy after giving birth and that you still groom and take care of yourself just like before. Albert Omuko

You need to re-ignite the spark that was there before you gave birth. Start paying more attention to each other as a couple without the baby. Do things together and have fun together. Go for romantic dinners followed by dancing, go on a weekend getaway or do something that is fun for both of you. Don’t forget to be affectionate with each other. If you keep doing these things, it will spark up your relationship again. You might also want to seek the guidance of a counsellor. Jane Mithamo

Your husband wasn’t being melodramatic; he just couldn’t handle what he saw in the delivery room. A psychologist can help him recover by asking him to take those images out of his mind and asking him to talk about the events of that day to help him clear the trauma from his mind. Be supportive as he works through this. Shiku Waikwa

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

It is common for men to be psychologically affected by witnessing childbirth. It can be very horrifying and can completely distort a man’s ability to see you as his sexual mate like before.

The fact that he hasn’t recovered a year later, means that he needs to seek professional help so that he can deal with the issues that are inhibiting his desire for you. For any change to occur, his entire attitude towards intimacy with you needs to be altered.

Caring for you is separate from his sexual intent, so his desire for you needs to be revived to keep sexual intimacy alive.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I am 25 and I’ve been dating a 33-year-old guy for two years. At the beginning of this year, we planned to introduce each other to our parents. I was to meet his parents on the Labour Day weekend, then he was to meet mine in June. However, last week he sent me a text saying that his parents had told him not to marry a woman my age and from my tribe. I have never met his parents and we have never talked, not even on phone, so I’m wondering where they could have gotten the information to be able to judge me so harshly without having met me. This information has thrown me off because everything was going so well. What should I do? Should I insist on going ahead to meet his parents so that they can see who I am or does this mean that it is over between us? I feel devastated.