SEXUAL HEALTH: Quality over quantity

It is rare that a couple would walk into the sexology clinic and not know what help they are looking for. I therefore found it rather interesting that Job and Jane, aka the JJ couple, walked into the consultation room and after the usual pleasantries, went quiet.

“So why are you visiting the clinic today?” I asked. They looked at each other and smiled. Jane then shook her head in a way to say that she was not the one to talk.

“We just thought of visiting you, nothing serious,” Job said. I reclined in my seat, thinking about all the other patients waiting for my attention. I had to speed this along; I decided to ask them direct questions.

Job was 48 years old and worked for an NGO where he managed a multi-million programme on water and sanitation. He was also doing his master’s degree in public health. Further, he had what he called a side hustle – he owned a busy restaurant and club in the city with 30 employees.

“Actually my side hustle keeps me awake,” he explained. “There are many extortionists threatening me with closure each day, staff is always trying to steal, customer complaints are myriad… if I get two hours of sleep each day I consider myself lucky.”

Jane on the other hand was 45 years old. She was a trained monitoring and evaluation specialist. She ran a successful consultancy firm. She travelled to the field frequently to collect data on projects for her clients.

The couple had two teenage children, a girl and a boy. They had both been doing well in school but of late had become a bit rebellious. The boy was in Form 3 but had been expelled for participating in burning a dormitory. The girl, a Form 2 student, had just been discharged from a hospital after treatment for complications of a botched abortion. “Wow, your family is a complicated one I must say,” I said.

“And the final thing is that we have not had sex for about seven months now,” Jane said.

“Could that be the reason you are visiting today?” I asked, to which Jane nodded.

BREAKING POINT

I tried to understand why the couple was not having sex and other than a very stressful lifestyle, I could not point a finger at anything else. Medical examination and laboratory tests yielded normal results. They both however had no interest in sex. The relationship was however still intact.

“Actually my wife thinks that we are headed for divorce,” Job said. Well, the JJ couple and others like them need to understand that the human body and mind can only endure so much. With time, the body reaches a breaking point. Different people have different breaking points beyond which they fail to function. Overworking the body or the mind has a limit.

Sexual function is a good indicator of your ability to continue exerting. When a certain level of physical or psychological stress is reached, the body delinks from sex to have you remain alive.

If you do not notice that you are headed for danger after the sex shut down, other problems follow. Such may include irritable mood, inability to concentrate and lack of sleep. You may suffer unexplained headaches and other body pains. Your weight may go down as eating becomes a problem. Your body grows weak and you become prone to common infections. By this time your relationship may also be in serious trouble and you may be fighting with your spouse each day.

“But life is difficult and we have to work. Children’s fees have to be paid, we have to eat and pay rent, it is difficult,” Job interjected.

But it all depends on whether you value quantity or quality in life. What does it benefit a man to own the world and die miserable? You have to set standards for your life which allow you to live quality life, not just surviving each day.

It took the JJ couple another year to reorganise their lives. They closed the restaurant and club. They moved houses to pay more affordable rent. Jane turned down a number of jobs to allow time for her family. They started spending more time together and with their children.

“And I just learnt that I almost let my children’s lives go to the dogs, they were yearning for love and attention which we could not provide,” Jane said on their last visit to the clinic.

“Our sex lives are back in a great way, I must say we have more quality than quantity of life for once,” Job said as he rubbed Jane’s shoulder.