Decoding the intimate kiss

Kissing is an intimate act that should never be dispensed to every Tom, Dick and Harry. You can hug and peck colleagues and friends but the moment the lips touch, you are sending out messages of intimacy that you should be sure you are ready to live with. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • People kiss all over the world. It is known that over 90 per cent of communities kiss. Even the 10 per cent who do not kiss for cultural reasons have activities that simulate kissing. Many animals also have gestures similar to kissing. It is therefore not just universal, but natural.
  • Kissing is different from pecking, which is casual. It is normal to peck friends, relatives and colleagues and to do it in public places without raising eyebrows. When people kiss however, their lips touch and there may be exchange of saliva.
  • Kissing is an important first step in mate selection. Aside from hygiene issues that can repel a new mate, chemicals that either repulse or cause further attraction between two people are released.

I had a difficult case at the sexology clinic last week. James and Mary, a couple I have known for some time, walked into the consultation room bitterly exchanging words because Mary kissed her boss!

The couple had been invited to a send-off party for Mary’s boss. He was retiring after 15 years of service to the company. At the end of the party, staff passionately hugged their boss and some shed tears.

“I have no problem with hugging or crying over a boss,” James said as Mary explained the cause of their disagreement. “Go straight to the point of why we are here!”

Mary went quiet. The couple looked at each other in anger. James was shaking and his eyes turned red. Mary’s eyes got wet and tears rolled down her cheeks. I looked on, trying to fathom the cause of the distress.

“Whatever it is I know we will resolve it so take it easy,” I said trying to diffuse the tension. 

“Can you imagine she kissed that man on the lips in my presence? If they have been having an affair did they have to show it publicly? Did they have to invite me to witness their love play?” James shouted.

“It was just an innocent kiss and it was the first time!” Mary said.

“What is innocent about smooching? You are a harlot!” James shouted back.

I stood up and ordered James to be civil. I informed them that problems cannot be solved by shouting and insulting each other. However I could understand where James was coming from and took to informing the couple what we know about kissing.

People kiss all over the world. It is known that over 90 per cent of communities kiss. Even the 10 per cent who do not kiss for cultural reasons have activities that simulate kissing. Many animals also have gestures similar to kissing. It is therefore not just universal, but natural.

MESSAGE OF INTIMACY

Kissing is different from pecking, which is casual. It is normal to peck friends, relatives and colleagues and to do it in public places without raising eyebrows. When people kiss however, their lips touch and there may be exchange of saliva. The body responds to kissing by producing certain chemicals, like dopamine, which makes us feel good and relaxed as well as pushing us to want more of the same.

A kiss also causes the release of oxytocin, the hormone of love that gives a deep feeling of affection and causes us to want to hold and reciprocate love. Many other hormones are released from kissing that make us want to explore each other deeply.

“But I just kissed him for a short time and it was spontaneous and not meant to be repeated!” Mary said, avoiding direct eye contact with me and James.

“That is neither here nor there. Maybe you have been meeting privately for all I know!” I asked the couple to give me time to finish my explanation.

Kissing is an important first step in mate selection. Aside from hygiene issues that can repel a new mate, chemicals that either repulse or cause further attraction between two people are released. A proper match of these chemicals are known to play a role in producing offspring with resistance to disease when the couple proceed with their feelings and have sex. Nature therefore tells you who to mate with through kissing to be able to get children who will survive disease.

Once a relationship is established, kissing becomes an important indicator of intimacy. A couple that is drifting apart stops kissing. In fact sexologists coach couples on how to kiss as a way of enhancing intimacy.

Kissing is an intimate act that should never be dispensed to every Tom, Dick and Harry. You can hug and peck colleagues and friends but the moment the lips touch, you are sending out messages of intimacy that you should be sure you are ready to live with.

“If you have kissed by mistake, just apologise to those affected so that you are forgiven,” I said, looking at Mary.

“And the aggrieved party must also learn to forgive unless they are not interested in the continuity of the marriage,” I said to James. “You cannot insult a person you. Just tell them you no longer love them instead of insulting them.”

Suddenly James walked towards Mary, lifted her up and they held each other tight, whispering words of apology in each other’s ears. They kissed deeply for a minute then turned to look at me, embarrassed, as they waved goodbye and walked out of the consultation room.