Sex and single parenting: To indulge or not?

Parenting demands commitment that can be exhausting at times. As a result, many single parents are assumed to be limited when it comes to starting and running sexual relationships. PHOTO| FILE

What you need to know:

  • This happiness enables them to have lesser moments of resentment either towards their single parenting situation or any runaway baby-daddies, which in turn makes them better parents,” he says.
  • Nevertheless, when it comes to sex, a single parent may run the risk of falling for stereotypical social perceptions.

Parenting demands commitment that can be exhausting at times. As a result, many single parents are assumed to be limited when it comes to starting and running sexual relationships. But is this true? What is the position of sexual intimacy in the life of a single parent? Let us explore:

The hindrance: These kinds of relationships are extremely complex and fragile to run, says Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi and the author of Single & Searching. “Primarily, a single parent’s biggest responsibility is her child, and every decision she makes must reflect on the wellness of the child. This means that any relationship she has, whether sexual or not, will be introduced amidst the existing relationship with the child,” he says.

 

The myths: With her parental commitments, a single parent is expected to have lesser sex or fewer dates. This is not true, says Michael Castleman, the author of Sexual Solutions. A single parent can date and have as much sex as a singleton and still be a parent. “Dating and regular sex contribute to the single parent’s overall happiness. This happiness enables them to have lesser moments of resentment either towards their single parenting situation or any runaway baby-daddies, which in turn makes them better parents,” he says. Nevertheless, when it comes to sex, a single parent may run the risk of falling for stereotypical social perceptions. “There exists a chauvinistic myth that considers women with kids to be of less value than women without kids. This may cause a single woman desperate to find love to have a streak of broken sexual relationships as she searches for the equally mythical, ‘The One’,” says family therapist Lawrence Kibiru.

 

No strings attached: Dr. Hart says that it is very difficult for a single parent to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship. “Sexual relationships without a level of emotional attachment do not actually exist. One or the other partner will definitely start to develop feelings,” he says. This could be a catalyst to an unnecessary heart break, especially if the other partner is not interested in an emotional commitment. He recommends that it is best for a single parent to treat a sexual relationship with the same level of strictness and care that they would accord a potentially long-term relationship. Do not make the mistake of bringing an endless line of men to your home for sleepovers when your kids are around or make the habit of introducing your child to every Tom, Dick and Harry. “State that you have a child early on or immediately to avoid wasting time with partner who’d take off at the mention of a child,” adds Dr. Hart.

 

Partners to go for: Normally, whether looking for a sexual relationship or an all-rounded relationship, you will do well to keep off younger men, especially if they don’t have kids of their own. “Go for an older man whose has kids. He is more likely to understand where you are coming from. He is also more likely to be experienced in handling or relating with children,” says Dr. Hart.