Should I dump my deadbeat?
Think about where you want to be in a year, and then work backwards.
What you need to know:
- The problem is, he has a child with another woman who he does not see or take care of.
- When I ask him, he says the mother of his child is a difficult woman and he would rather forget them both and start a new family.
I am in my early 30s and dating a really nice guy I met about a year ago. We formalised our union after six months of dating.
The problem is, he has a child with another woman who he does not see or take care of. When I ask him, he says the mother of his child is a difficult woman and he would rather forget them both and start a new family.
But my close friends all hate him because of that – they say that if he is a deadbeat with one woman, he will be a deadbeat with me if I have his child.
Apart from that, he really is a good man. I just don’t know whether to take my friends seriously and leave him, or abandon my friends to be with him.
READERS REPLY
The third parties you are involving in your relationship are going to cause you immense distress.
Don't allow outsiders to advise you on which direction to take with your man. Instead sit him down and talk it out. If he is really a good man like you put it then I doubt if he will ignore you.
You should be very open with him and lay down all the benefits that come with being a responsible father without necessarily thinking that he will act the same when you give birth to his child. You can involve a counsellor to help you deal with this.
Juma Felix, via email.
Your friends are negative about your man. In fact they hate him. This makes you wonder if you should abandon him. I have witnessed many marriages where such guys separated with their 'difficult' wives but lived happily with another woman. In spirituality, they say a particular woman is meant for a particular man according to God's design. If one goes with the wrong partner, marriage will be very difficult or it may fail totally. You have heard what your friends are saying, but what do you feel in your own heart? Pay attention to your heart, that is where the answer is.
Achieng Goretti, via email.
Thank you for seeking help regarding your relationship before making a commitment. I feel you should explore further on why he left the mother of his child. What does he mean that the woman is difficult? Though it is okay to listen to your friends, the final decision remains with you after applying due diligence. Have an open and frank discussion with your man where all your concerns should be addressed. Both of you need to seek pre-marital counselling before the final commitment. All the best.
John Wambugu, via email.
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
I do not believe you should abandon your friends, neither should you listen to views from them. Your true friends will respect your decision whether you stay or leave.
Sacrificing your friendships will only lead to a degree of resentment later on. What you should ask yourself is if your man is sincere about his reason to keep away from his child.
I would advise you go with your womanly instincts; are they telling you to stay or leave? I would also recommend that you remind him that despite his differences with his baby mama, it would be prudent for him not to detach from his son, considering the child is innocent in all this.
If he is unwilling to understand that fact, then that could be a red flag that you should not ignore.
