Should you let go of old friends when you marry?

For many people, old friendships are usually hard to carry into a marriage.

Things you previously had in common with your single friends fizzle out. Then comes to pressure to establish new friendships with other couples who can help you navigate your fresh marriage. 

Friendship breakers

However, according to Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi, new friendships in adulthood are generally difficult to start. “Friendships in adulthood are often difficult to start, build and maintain mainly due to a lack of free time,” he says. In addition, marriage and divorce are two of the key reasons friendships end.

“If you have just divorced, you’ll note that the friends you had as a couple will suddenly stop inviting you around,” he says, adding that men are more likely to find themselves in the jungle after a divorce. “This is because their wives most likely ran their social network and took it with them after the divorce.” 

Cutting ties

Off-loading old, single friends, nonetheless, is not always the best move to make. For instance, according to Nakuru-based family therapist Susan Gacheru, you should not start to look down on your old friends or perceive them as a bad influence on your new marriage. “The notion that singletons are a hazard to your marriage is not entirely true. Don’t be condescending to them,” she says.

In the same vein, do not start forcing marriage on your single friends. “Just because you got married doesn’t mean your single friends must get married to be complete. Marriage isn’t for everyone.” 

Old friends

It is normal that your friends will expect you to continue making time to hang out as you did before getting hitched. According to Ken Munyua, a psychologist, they may feel betrayed or let down if you cut off all the links you previously enjoyed, or opt for a new set of friends. Set some time to be with them.

This may include phone calls or deliberate get-togethers. “Bear in mind that friendship is gold; your mutual interests are still essential, even though you may not have impromptu coffee or lunch meetings anymore. Be the friend you’d want them to be,” he says. 

Boundaries and expectations

You should be careful to set boundaries that will exhibit your commitment towards your friendships, and how far you are willing to go. Don’t make a habit of telling them your partner’s weaknesses. Additionally, says Munyua, you should remember too that your friends’ lives may change at some point.

“They’ll likely take cue from how you handled them when your status changed,” he says. There are friends you may need to let go to keep your marriage afloat. These are the toxic types you may have interacted with in your social circles.

For instance, you may need to loosen your ties with a previous circle of weekend booze-binging and partying buddies.